


Lodestar

by glyphsbowtie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-12
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-15 11:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1303588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glyphsbowtie/pseuds/glyphsbowtie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel Shepard’s back from the dead. She needs the support of her friends and loved ones more than ever, but Kaidan can’t forgive her. (ME2/ME3 and beyond. FShenko.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> 11/03/14- I decided I fancied having a go at writing something for Mass Effect after being a fan for years. This will loosely follow the events of the games, although I might change things for my own nefarious purposes. This is my first attempt at doing something like this so be kind please. :)

He remembered all the events of that day, although not in the correct order.

First, there was the flash of porcelain neck, fragile and smooth, before she clicked her helmet into place; he had kissed that neck dozens of times and nuzzled his nose in beneath the dark hair. It was such a feminine neck. It always amazed him that Shepard had such delicate parts to her when she was such a strong, unrelenting woman. It was like these places were her secrets and he had been privileged enough to gain access to them, discovering them one by one.

His heart was hammering in his chest at that moment but he still felt the familiar warm feeling when he saw that alabaster skin.

*

The next memory was from hours later, sitting in a hard cold chair, cradling a cup of coffee that felt small in his hand. They were all there, but they were avoiding looking at each other. Nobody wanted to have the inevitable conversation. Nobody wanted to say the inevitable words. So Kaidan was stuck staring at Wrex's feet, trying to focus on them. He remembered clearly thinking how huge those feet were.

It was Joker who cracked first, surprisingly. Or not surprisingly. He burst into tears with a kind of unrestrained emotion none of them had ever seen from him.

“It's... it's my fault,” he choked out, covering his face with his twisted hands. He had broken some bones during the... during what happened, but he had refused to get medical treatment until they knew.

Liara was sat beside him, her own eyes large and damp. She put her arm around Joker's shoulders in a tender gesture that nobody would have ever attempted in normal circumstances.

Suddenly, Joker was looking straight at him, green eyes piercing, earnest and heartbroken. “I'm sorry.” The pilot addressed him directly, frankly.

*

Kaidan had woken up before Shepard, which was not rare exactly, but still felt special. Since Ilos, Kaidan had been sleeping in her bed with increasing frequency. _We shouldn't_ , he had said. He regretted his hesitation now. He regretted every missed opportunity, every moment that had slipped through his fingers. She had laughed at him; her bright, open smile was something which had taken time to get used to. She was usually such a hardass, so serious and focused. After Saren, she had relaxed. There was still work to do, but they'd stopped the Reapers for now. _We've earned it_. _They'll look the other way, Lieutenant. We've just come back from a suicide mission._ He had never met anyone so persuasive. She reminded him of a naughty child trying to lure the other children into mischief.

That morning, he had looked down at her face in wonder in the moments before she woke up. There was a faint smattering of freckles on that clear skin, bumping delicately over her nose and down her cheeks. She looked so innocent, apart from the long white scar that worked its way down the left side of her face. He bent to kiss it gently.

_I could do this every morning._

*

“It's bad news.” Anderson's face was drained of colour. He had been nearby and had rushed out to meet them when he heard what had happened.

They had all stood when he walked in to deliver the official news that they had all knew to be the truth for hours. Somehow Kaidan remained on his feet, although the feeling in his legs disappeared completely. He felt the others looking at him.

The crew had all known about the relationship, although Kaidan had never discussed it with anyone. It had never been mentioned on the ship, with the exception of a few winks and tiny comments from one Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau.

Shepard had been a great many things to the crew. She was Wrex's enabler, taking him to brutal fights and presenting him with challenges he never would have found alone. They had fought, they had disagreed- Kaidan thought back to seeing them staring down each other's barrels on Virmire with a shudder- but ultimately they had worked well together. She had saved Tali and taken her on an adventure. More importantly, she had given Tali a chance to take on the geth. Garrus owed Shepard a great deal too- she had opened his eyes to the galaxy. Garrus held Shepard in extremely high regard and had quickly started to see her more as a friend that a commanding officer, something which the rest of them had struggled with, with the exception of Liara. Kaidan knew Liara's feelings for Shepard ran deep. He understood all these things, all the things that Shepard had been and how the rest of the crew felt. But Shepard had been  _everything_ to him.

“Excuse me.” He spoke the words in a voice which was quiet and measured, even though his tears were already falling.

“Kaidan-” Liara reached out for him, but he was already leaving the room, desperate to be away from them.

*

Flames engulfed the Normandy. He couldn't fathom what he was seeing. People were running, pushing. He heard a scream.

“Shepard!” She had her back to him, clicking down that helmet. She was calm and collected. Of course she was.

“The distress beacon is ready for launch.” Professional, focused. She was Commander Shepard in that moment, not the soft, warm woman he had woken up with.

“Will the Alliance get here in time?” he asked. He was scared. The panic was rising up inside of him painfully.

There was a jolt then and he lost his balance, in that moment realising just how serious the situation was.  _The Normandy is going to be lost_ . Shepard's hands grabbed him and steadied him.

“The Alliance won't abandon us.” He had heard her express her doubts about the Alliance on more than one occasion and he realised that she was trying to make him feel better. She had already turned away from him, reaching for a fire extinguisher and attempting pointlessly to put the fire out. Didn't she understand how bad the situation was? “We just need to hold on.”

He caught the fire extinguisher she tossed to him and stared at her for a moment, fear freezing his feet in place.

“Get everyone onto the escape shuttles.” Maybe she did realise how bad it was.

“Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship.” He saw her pause at his words but realised that she wasn't making any move herself to get to a shuttle. “I'm not leaving either.”

It seemed like common sense to him. If she was staying, he was staying. He wasn't quite at the stage of comfortably thinking of them as a single unit yet, but in this situation there was no way he could consider leaving her.

She reached out and grabbed his hand. “I need you to get everyone onto the evac shuttles,” she said, and her voice was different now. The control was slipping. “I'll take care of Joker.”

Shepard moved to turn away from him and walked straight into an explosion in a style that he would much later think of as  _typically Shepard._ She fell against him as the blazing fireball erupted before them and he held her for the last time. She pushed off him, staggering off towards the flames to get to Joker.

“Commander!” Kaidan could never figure out why he called her that instead of _Shepard_ the last time he saw her. He couldn't let her go without him. There was a pain in his chest and all of his instincts were screaming at him to grab her and bundle her away to safety.

But you couldn't do that with Shepard. He had known that the first time he saw her.

“Kaidan, go.” She turned back to look at him. With the helmet on, it was impossible to read her facial expression, or to see the look in her eyes. He always wondered afterwards what she looked like in that moment. “Now.” It was an order, and he understood it as such.

He paused for a small moment. Should he say something? There was something horribly final about this moment.  _Good luck? Be careful? I love you?_

“Aye, aye.” The words tasted bitter and he turned away from her with something close to anger in his mouth.

*

“What's the plan for today, Commander?” Kaidan was perched comfortably at the end of her bed, watching as she strode from her bathroom wrapped in a towel. Her skin was damp and glowed beautifully, unnaturally, in the light of the room. He wanted to reach for her and tug her back into the bed, but duty called.

“The usual, I suppose.” Shepard paused in front of the mirror, briefly examining a yellow bruise on her shoulder. “Find some geth, get into mortal peril, shoot some things.” She flashed Kaidan one of those easy smiles in the mirror. “Maybe there'll be a button to press. You know how much that would thrill Garrus.”

“You'll only end up annoying him when you refuse to let him push it.”

She laughed and dropped the towel suddenly, eyes glinting mischievously. “How true.”

*

“Joker...” Kaidan was standing behind the pilot, watching him slide through screens with ruthless efficiency. The alarm was blaring and Kaidan could smell smoke.

“I can save her,” Joker said, completely unaware that Kaidan was there. “I can save you, baby.”

Kaidan felt a rush of affection for the pilot and a sharp pang of sadness as he realised what he was about to ask. “We need to abandon ship, Joker.”

“I'm not abandoning her!” There was poison in Joker's eyes and genuine anger in his words as he turned to glare at Kaidan. “”You go if you want, _Lieutenant._ I'm staying right here.”

“You're being ridiculous, Joker.” Kaidan tried to keep the words neutral, gentle, but he knew he failed. The sounds of people panicking behind him were getting louder and he knew it wasn't getting better. “If they come around for another attack, the ship isn't going to-”

“I need to concentrate. I'm only the best pilot in the Alliance when there _isn't_ a preachy Lieutenant complaining at me.” Joker's voice was final, absolute. He had tried to make the words less prickly, less painful, with an attempt at humour, but he was still angry. “Go find Shepard and make sure she's alright.”

“Of course _Shepard's_ alright, Joker.”

*

“I could do this every morning.” He blurted out the words without thinking as he watched her sweep her hair into a bun with ruthless ease. He regretted them immediately; blood rushed to his face and he dropped his eyes to his knees.

There was a painfully quiet moment. She was going to ask him to leave. She was going to kick him out and they'd never speak again. She might quietly shoot him on a mission and blame the geth.

“Kaidan, look at me.” The words were gentle, almost tentative, although those were two words nobody would ever associate with the Commander. He met her gaze nervously, expecting some sort of scorn or pity in her eyes. He found none. “What- what do you mean?”

She was nervous too. He could hardly believe it. “I... I could wake up with you every morning. Do this couple thing every morning.” It took bravery to say the next few words but he couldn't back out now. “ _Every_ morning. I love you, Shepard.”

She took his hand. Her fingers were trembling. “Every morning?”

“Every morning.”

She smiled then and leaned towards him. “I could live with that.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew deal with Shepard's death. From Garrus' POV.

“So, um, this is my home. Would you like something to eat? Or drink?” Garrus stood awkwardly in the doorway of his apartment, watching as Tali looked inside. It was hard to tell but he was pretty sure she was feeling curious- and that made him nervous.

 

“I didn't come to eat your food, Vakarian. I came to help you get this place sorted for tomorrow night.” Her tone was light, teasing, but the reference to _tomorrow night_ made him feel sick.

 

“I- yes. It will be a mess, Tali. I sort of took off in a hurry.”

 

Tali walked in confidently, looking around the living quarters. He tried to see it from her point of view. The apartment was small and a little cramped. Typical for someone on his C-Sec wage. He rented it and had been quite surprised on returning to find out that the rent had successfully taken from his account in the months he had been away. Someone had been paying his wages every month. He had half-expected C-Sec to stop paying him since he had technically rushed off on an investigation he had been asked to drop.

 

Nobody had been in the apartment since he had left. He barely recognised it. It didn't feel like home, although it never really had.

 

“It's not a mess, Garrus,” Tali said gently, straightening a cushion on the couch.

 

The living quarters certainly weren't. Apart from a thin layer of dust, it looked like nobody had ever lived here at all. Garrus drew a shuddering breath. He hadn't missed the place. He had wondered if he would ever return. Shepard had seemed perfectly happy for him to stay aboard the Normandy indefinitely, and he was pretty sure he would have been very happy.

 

“What's the matter?” Tali was in front of him again, reaching out to touch his arm gently.

 

His eyes filled up with tears before he could stop them. “I miss her, Tali.” He hadn't yet spoken those words to anyone, but they were so true. It had only been a week and he missed her in a way he had never felt before. He had never had real friends before the Normandy. He had always been socially awkward and other turians had always regarded him as such. He had been dissatisfied in his work before Shepard arrived. He had lived a boring, unsatisfying existence, making no difference, feeling nothing but anger at the system.

 

Then she'd turned up, arms folded in front of her, big green eyes full of fire as she had stared at him.  _Sounds like you really want to bring him down._ There was a challenge in those words, and no blame for the fact that he had failed.

 

“She listened to me. She trusted me, Tali. Nobody ever trusted me before.”

 

Tali wrapped her arms around him suddenly. It was strange to be held- he couldn't remember the last time it had happened. She was so much smaller than he was. He was reminded of his thoughts the first time he had seen Shepard in a fight, in the clinic.  _She's so small. She's so fragile._

 

“Well, I trust you, Garrus. We all do.” Her voice was small against his chestplate. “We're all trusting you not to give us food poisoning tomorrow night.”

 

A laugh escaped him. He patted her awkwardly on the shoulder. “Thanks, Tali.”

 

She moved away from him, going into the kitchen. “We all miss her, Garrus. She was an amazing woman.”

 

“What are we going to do now?” Garrus was voicing concerns he hadn't shared with anybody. It had been a bizarre week. He had felt himself blend into the background of the crew once more as they dealt with what had happened. Kaidan had been everybody's priority, although he had distanced himself from them. “I mean, there's the Reapers and everything, but what about our lives? Do they just go back to normal? That doesn't seem right.” He followed her and paused in the kitchen doorway. She was removing old food from the fridge with the very tips of her fingers. He could imagine her face scrunched up with distaste, although none of them knew what she looked like.

 

She paused, crossing her arms and looking at him. “I suppose so,” she said thoughtfully. “We're not Alliance. They aren't going to want us staying together.”

 

“That's true.” Garrus subconsciously mimicked her stance, leaning against the door frame. “The problem is... I don't really want my old life back.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I didn't really like it,” Garrus replied frankly. “And now, I feel like my eyes have been opened. I can do more good, I know I can.”

 

“Hmmm, that's true. I was a kid when this started. Now, I've grown up so much.”

 

They worked in silence for a few moments, throwing away the old food and cleaning the surfaces. There was a mysterious brown glob of some food Garrus had eaten the day he had left. He couldn't remember what it was. He imagined himself eating his breakfast that morning, feeling numb, never imagining what was about to happen to him.

 

Tali went into his bedroom and made the bed.

 

“Um, Tali, you don't have to do that,” he said.

 

“It's my pleasure,” she said, straightening the blanket with simple ease. “You need a good night's sleep before tomorrow. We all do.”

 

Garrus couldn't imagine sleeping here alone. The Normandy's engines had been quiet but the noises of the other members of the crew had been loud, keeping him awake at first. It took a special kind of tiredness to fall asleep when Wrex was snoring.

 

“Stay here tonight, Tali.” She looked at him suddenly, not reacting, not speaking, and he realised how that sounded. He covered his face with his talons before continuing. “Er, no, that came out wrong. I didn't mean that how it sounded. Sleep in the bed; I'll take the couch.” The moment still felt awkward. “I don't want to be alone.”

 

She nodded and touched his arm gently. “Alright, Garrus.”

 

*

 

It was a beautiful, touching memorial. Crowds of mourners gathered in the Presidium, which was still damaged from Sovereign’s attack. Admiral Hackett lead the service in a voice choked with emotion, talking about the Commander's 'troubled' start as an orphan on the streets of Earth, and about how she had survived against impossible odds on Akuze. Anderson was there too, and he gave a small reading. The crowd was weeping openly for the loss of a woman they never knew. The Normandy crew stood together, near a photograph of the Commander which had been taken two days after they had saved the Citadel. She was smiling into the camera. She looked brave and beautiful. Kaidan- Staff Lieutenant Alenko, today- was stood in his dress blues, his face turned away. He looked empty.

 

_Shepard would hate this._ Garrus knew that the Commander would find this whole thing ridiculous. For his part, he felt uncomfortable out of his armour and found himself dwelling on the stories about Shepard. Garrus knew both of these stories, of course- the whole damn galaxy did, especially now- but it was hard to match them with the Shepard he had known. Yes, she had been a hardass, but she was kind and gentle and good. Not damaged by what had happened to her.

 

The asari councillor stood on the stage saying a few words about how grateful and indebted the council was to Shepard, and how the galaxy would never forget her. Garrus couldn't take the words in. Beside him, Liara was crying silently. She looked subdued in black. Wrex stood on Liara's other side, almost unrecognisable out of his usual damaged armour. He had a uncharacteristically gentle hand resting on Liara's back. Joker looked ridiculous in his dress blues, staring at his feet, on Wrex's other side.

 

Tali stood beside Garrus. She was silent and still, and it was impossible to tell how she felt. However,  _silent_ and  _still_ were two words he would never have associated with the little quarian, and he knew she was upset. He touched her shoulder briefly and she looked up at him. He imagined she would be  _smiling sadly_ at him.

 

It was Kaidan's turn to speak. He faced the crowds and glanced at the piece of paper he had removed from his pocket before clearing his throat.

 

“Commander Rachel Shepard was a soldier,” he began in a steady voice. “She was a leader. She was ruthless in her pursuit of justice, and later, in her pursuit of the truth. She gave freely of herself to other people and to the galaxy.” He paused, looking over to the Normandy crew. A tear rolled down his cheek. “It was a privilege to know her. The Admirals and the councillor are correct- we owe Shepard a debt we can now never repay.” He cleared his throat again. “I was asked to speak as Shepard's friend, to give an insight into a woman we all feel we know so well. I have lots of private, personal memories of Shepard- I'm sure we all do-” Again, he glanced at the crew. He was losing his composure. More tears had broken free from his eyes. “I have chosen, probably selfishly, to keep most of these for myself. However, there is one I would like to share. As most of you know, we encountered a Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. We knew nothing about the technology. I ended up getting caught in it. Shepard grabbed me and pulled me out of the way, and ended up being targeted herself. She was willing to sacrifice herself for me before we even knew each other. That is the sort of woman Shepard is- was.” He covered his face. “I will miss her more than I can put into words. Thank you.” He strode from the stage.

 

*

 

The Normandy crew had decided to honour Shepard privately by having dinner and drinks at Garrus' apartment after the service. That was how Garrus came to find himself sat in his apartment surrounded by friends for the first time in his life.

 

For the last time, too. Already they were discussing what they would do next. They were all drifting apart. Without Shepard, there was nothing holding them together.

 

“What about you, Garrus?” Liara was sitting beside him on the couch, her feet tucked neatly beneath her. She looked exhausted. “Will you return to C-Sec?”

 

He thought about it. “I don't see how I can. They're already trying to dismiss what happened, trying to cover up the evidence of the Reapers. I might have been able to bite my tongue before, but not know, not...”

 

“Not post-Shepard,” Tali said gently. She was sat cross-legged against a chair Wrex was occupying. They all looked at her. “She changed our lives. She changed us,” Tali continued.

 

Kaidan raised his glass. “She did indeed.”

 

“She was one hell of a woman,” Wrex rumbled. “Never knew humans had quads like that. No offence, Alenko.”

 

“None taken.” Kaidan drained his drink. “She's given us all a lot to live up to, hasn't she?”

 

Joker shifted beside Garrus. “I let her down,” he said suddenly. He hadn't really spoken all day. Garrus understood how he felt. Joker thought that it was his fault.

 

“It's not your fault, Jeff,” Liara said, reaching over Garrus to touch the pilot's hand. She looked at Kaidan but he looked away without speaking.

 

Garrus went into the kitchen, needing to be alone. As he moved the dirty dishes into the sink, he felt the tears returning. It was hard to believe that Shepard was gone. Seeing the whole crew there, seeing them together, made it even harder. He half-expected Shepard to swagger through the front door, armour dented, holstering her pistol casually. He could half-hear the amused quip in her voice.  _What's wrong with you lot? You look like somebody died._

 

He heard somebody behind him and turned, surprised to see Joker.

 

“So, Garrus, I'm going. Thanks for the... is party the right word?” Joker was trying to sound light, like his usual self, but his eyes were empty.

 

“Are you alright, Joker?” It was a stupid question and Garrus regretted it the moment he asked it. Joker raised an eyebrow at him. “I just mean- where are you going? What are you going to do now?”

 

“I am going to find a shuttle home, take some shore leave, drink too much and try to deal with my unending guilt.” Joker touched his arm. “Look after yourself, Garrus.”

 

“Joker, it's not your fault,” Garrus offered uselessly.

 

“Goodbye, Garrus.”

 

Joker staggered off, leaving him alone with his thoughts and his dirty dishes.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard wakes up.

_Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit._

 

Shepard was dead. She was gasping, wasting precious oxygen. Her blood rushed uselessly in her ears as she floated away, helpless. The Normandy looked impossibly huge and breathtakingly beautiful as she fell into flaming pieces.

 

She saw the escape pods speeding away, taking the rest of the crew to safety. Good.

 

Her vision blurred. Stars surrounded her. It was sublime, and quiet. This was the end. She found herself accepting it, her mind flashing back through the faces of those she'd loved.

 

Kaidan. She saw his gentle brown eyes, heard his voice in her head. _I love you._

 

Then she was gone.

 

*

 

Blue eyes. Rising panic. Where was she? What was going on?

 

“Give her the sedative!”

 

_Sedative?_

 

A cold, strong hand grasped her wrist gently. “Shepard, don't try to move.” It was a woman's voice, unfamiliar. “Just lie still. Try to stay calm.”

 

_Yeah, because that's going to happen._

 

She heard beeping and machinery as she struggled to wake up. Everything was hurting.

 

“It's not working!” A man's voice, panicked.

 

“Another dose. Now!”

 

The world blurred once more. Shepard felt her body relax despite willing it to keep moving. A woman's face appeared above her. She was beautiful, and her deep blue eyes were the last things that Shepard saw before the darkness embraced her once more.

 

*

 

Alarms were going off. Faint explosions in the distance. Something was going wrong.

 

Shepard opened her eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath which made her lungs ache. Where was she? She was staring at a stark white ceiling. Unfamiliar. She tried to focus over the roar of the alarms. How had she ended up here? What had happened? Where was Kaidan?

 

_She had died._ She remembered with a horrible jolt in her stomach. The Normandy getting destroyed. Ordering Kaidan to go, hearing the anger in his voice. Dragging Joker to the evac shuttle. The explosion and floating helplessly out into space.

 

_I'm going to kill Joker._ She was alive. Somehow she was fine, if a little tender. It felt like the morning after shore leave. Her face was a stinging. She reached up to touch her skin and felt long ridges on her cheeks. What the hell?

 

“Shepard, your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving. This facility's under attack.” She remembered that cool, collected voice. She started to sit up automatically, but something was wrong. She only had one scar on her face, a long thin thing that streaked down through her eyebrow. She went to rub it automatically only to find that it was gone.

 

_This isn't my face_ .

 

She thought she would black out from the panic, bile rising up her throat with a sickening burn.

 

Then she saw the firing going on outside the window. Years of Alliance training kicked in, and she forced herself to focus. She was in some sort of med bay, although she didn't recognise it. As she sat up, she took a mental note of her injuries. Legs stiff, sore, like they hadn't been used for some time. A crippling pain in her side, as though she had been shot. But she would be fine. She had fought with worse injuries before and survived.

 

“There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. Hurry!” The woman speaking was not in the room with her. Shepard remembered big blue eyes and decided to trust the voice. Not that she had a hell of a lot of choice.

 

She staggered over to the locker, pulling it open with stiff fingers to reveal the armour and pistol inside. She didn't recognise either. Pulling the armour on quickly, she allowed herself a few seconds to try to figure out where she was and what had happened. She'd been saved, that much was obvious, although she couldn't figure out how. There had been  _nothing_ around her as she had floated off. Nobody to save her.

 

Why was she here? Where was here? Had the geth somehow found the hospital she was in and decided to try to finish her off? She knew instinctively that this wasn't a hospital.

 

She held the gun and stared at it, her mind wandering. How long had she been here? Where was Kaidan? He would be here if he knew she was here, wouldn't he?  _I love you._ She heard his voice in her head. Yes. If he knew she was safe he'd be at her side.

 

_I'm going to find him the second I get out of here._

 

*

 

“Two years?” She breathed the words, unable to take them in. The sickening bile was back, burning her throat. “I can't... I don't...”

 

Opposite her in the shuttle, the woman with the blue eyes- Miranda Lawson- frowned slightly. She shot a glance at Jacob Taylor, the friendly biotic who had helped Shepard escape the station. Jacob leaned forward and touched Shepard's knee briefly, a gesture that was intended to be comforting.

 

“Shepard, there was a lot of work to be done. As far as we know, nobody has ever attempted anything like this before,” he said gently.

 

“Let me get this straight,” she said, fighting to keep her voice steady. “I've been gone for two years. The universe thinks I'm dead. _Cerberus_ has had my body the whole time- freaking _Cerberus_ , for god's sake- and told nobody.”

 

Jacob sighed. “That pretty much sums it up, Commander.”

 

“Look, I can understand why you're upset, Commander.” Miranda Lawson shifted her weight and crossed her legs, resting a casual hand on her thigh. It was a practised movement, a movement that showed that she was in control and that the situation was fine. “There really was no other choice. What we've done is... _unethical,_ to say the least. There's a lot of people who would be quite happy if Commander Shepard stayed dead, too.”

 

“I would have thought Cerberus fell into that group.” Shepard reached up again to her foreign face in frustration.

 

“The Illusive Man has an offer for you. We need your help, Shepard.” It was Jacob who had spoken, his voice gentle and persuasive.

 

Shepard covered her face briefly with her hands. Her fingers were cool. She took a deep, calming breath. “My crew. What happened to the Normandy crew?”

 

“Just about everybody survived,” Jacob replied. His brown eyes were kind. If she hadn't known, she would have never pegged him as Cerberus. “A few servicemen from the lower decks didn't get out. Navigator Pressly was killed by an explosion. But everyone else, including the non-Alliance crew- the asari, Liara, and the quarian- they all made it out alive.”

 

_Two years._ “Do you know what any of them are doing now?” Unbidden, Kaidan's face swam into her mind's eye. Two years. He would have grieved. He had probably moved on. Yet she felt that she had seen him only yesterday- because it was only yesterday to her. She felt sick.

 

“I don't know, Commander. It's been two years. They've moved on. Left the Alliance.”

 

_I doubt Kaidan has._ “They were my team,” she heard herself saying automatically. “If they knew I was alive, they'd come back.” She believed that. She had to.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tali makes a discovery and a decision.

Tali was having a bad day. She clutched her shotgun and worked out how many thermal clips she had left as she crouched behind an overturned crate. To her left, Prazza was breathing heavily.

 

“We need to get to that building,” he hissed at her. “We need to figure out what is going on!”

 

Tali was supposed to be in charge, but Prazza had been disrespectful and rude since they had set off this morning. She suspected that he didn't much like being placed under the command of such a young, female quarian.

 

She couldn't argue with him now- he was right. She gave him a terse nod, and gritting her teeth she leapt up and opened fire on the closing LOKI mechs. The shotgun kicked back comfortably, reassuringly, against her and she watched with satisfaction as the mechs tumbled to the ground, sparking uselessly.

 

“Come on!” She led her squad to the door of the building. They piled inside and Prazza locked the door as Tali tried to figure out what to do next. “Have a look at that console,” she said. “See if there's any security footage. We need to find out what's going on.”

 

The quarians worked in silence for a few minutes before Prazza glanced at his omni-tool. “We've got incoming,” he said. “Not mechs.”

 

“I'll handle this,” Tali said, and Prazza stared at her.

 

The door opened and three figures piled in. Tali found that her view of them was obscured by the quarians ignoring her order and drawing weapons.

 

“Stop right there!” Prazza ordered.

 

Tali pushed past him angrily. “Prazza, you said you'd let me handle this.” She pushed down on the front of his assault rifle as she passed. The last thing they needed was another fight. She turned to face the intruders, raising a calming hand towards them, but her any diplomatic words she had to say died in her throat as she stared at that face.

 

_It couldn't be her._

 

“Wait. Shepard?”

 

The woman with Shepard's face, Shepard's bright green eyes, stared back at her, lowering her weapon and raising a hand to indicate that the other human woman with her should do the same.

 

“I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives.” Prazza raised his gun again.

 

“Put those weapons down!” Tali ordered. She would deal with Prazza later. Right now, there was a more pressing issue. She returned her gaze to Shepard. “Shepard- is that...? You're alive?” She had never wanted to believe anything more strongly than she did in that minute. Her stomach felt like it was full of ice.

 

Shepard stared levelly back at her. “Remember when I gave you that geth data, Tali? Did it help you complete your Pilgrimage?”

 

_It's Shepard._ She breathed in. “Yes, it did.” She turned to her squad. “Prazza, weapons down. This is definitely Commander Shepard.”

 

“Why is your old commander working for Cerberus?” The other quarian still sounded suspicious.

 

Tali's head was swimming. That was a  _very_ good question. Shepard had been gone- presumed dead- for two years, and now she turned up working for the enemy. For terrorists. “I don't know. Maybe we should ask.” She looked back to Shepard hopefully.

 

“I nearly died, Tali. Cerberus spent two years rebuilding me. They want me to investigate attacks on human colonies.”

 

“A likely story. No organisation would commit so many resources to bring back _one_ soldier,” Prazza sneered, folding his arms.

 

“You haven't seen Shepard in action, Prazza. Trust me, it was money well spent.” She turned back to Shepard. “Perhaps we can work together.”

 

*

 

Veetor fell asleep in the shuttle. Tali was exhausted but she knew there was no way she would fall asleep. Her head was heavy with ideas.  _Shepard's alive._ It seemed impossible. And she was working for Cerberus. Tali thought back angrily to the beautiful human woman's insistence that they take Veetor to Cerberus. Shepard had refused her. There had been another human there, a kind-eyed male, but he had tried to take Veetor too. They couldn't be trusted.

 

Tali wondered if anyone else knew Shepard was back. She had lost contact with Garrus a couple of months ago- she knew he had headed out to Omega to try to deal with the injustice there. She assumed he was still alive; she had been monitoring carefully for any reports of his death. He must have gone underground.

 

Their last conversation had been rushed. Tali had been about to go and mend a problem on another liveship, and Garrus was... well, she didn't know, but he'd seemed distracted.

 

His eyes had glowed in the holographic projection of him. “I can't tell you what's going on,” he had said. “I'm sorry.”

 

“I'm worried about you, Garrus,” she had replied. It was true. They'd drifted apart after Shepard's death, but Tali and Garrus still spoke with some regularity. She found herself missing him more and more.

 

“I'll be fine,” he replied. His voice had been reassuring as ever, but he had changed. There was something darker about him, something Tali had tried to ignore. “Look- I've got to go. I'll contact you when I can. Goodbye, Tali.”

 

“Keelah se'lai,” Tali had said, and watched him flicker out. She hadn't heard from him since.

 

Thinking about it now, she assumed that Garrus probably hadn't heard Shepard was back. He would be thrilled, she supposed. After Kaidan, she thought Garrus had taken her death the hardest.

 

Kaidan. She decided to contact the human biotic to see if he knew. He must do. Kaidan and Shepard had been in love. She wondered how he was taking her return.

 

Tali had to talk about it with somebody who would understand. Kaidan might be a good candidate; he was calming and gentle. They had never been extremely close, but Kaidan had always been kind to her.

 

She hadn't spoken to Kaidan as often as Garrus since the crew had been split up, but they had stayed in touch. He had been promoted to the rank of staff commander and was moderately famous for what had happened with Sovereign. The last time they had spoken, about three months ago, Tali had been surprised to learn that he had started dating.

 

She found his contact details on her omni-tool and established a connection. There was a pause of about thirty seconds before his face appeared, projected above her omni-tool. He rubbed sleepily at his eyes.

 

“Tali, hey.” Tali had thought for some time now that Kaidan had aged dramatically since Shepard's death, but he had clearly just woken up and looked, for a moment, like a small child.

 

“Kaidan, sorry to wake you. Where are you?”

 

Kaidan blinked. “I'm at home. On Earth, with my mom for a bit. You okay?”

 

He didn't sound, or look, like a man who had learned the shocking news that his dead girlfriend had been brought back to life by a terrorist organisation. Tali wondered if she should tell him. Seeing his face, she couldn't bring herself to. He was getting over what had happened. “I'm fine. I just... have you heard from Garrus?”

 

He shook his head. “Not since he left the Citadel. He's technically in a bit of trouble of disappearing with so many guns. That's probably why he hasn't contacted me. I hope he's ok, though.”

 

“Me too.” Tali suddenly felt exhausted. Why had she mentioned Garrus? Thinking about him made her feel even more confused and worried.

 

“Hey, Tali- don't worry. He'll be fine.” Kaidan's reassuring voice was almost as effective as Garrus'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bizarre chapter in that not a lot happened but I still needed to write it. I have Chapter 5 ready to go too, and it's much meatier, so I will get that up later today. Thanks to everyone who has read this so far. :)


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Commander! Just like old times.

“Hey, Commander! Just like old times.”

 

Shepard turned when she heard Joker's voice, unable to believe it. Her head was already reeling from the events of the day, the Illusive Man's offer and the idea that _she'd been dead for two years_. It was quite possible she was hallucinating. Maybe none of this had been real. She might have actually died and gone to hell, to live out eternity with Cerberus and Jeff Moreau.

 

But no, it was him. Same scruffy beard, same green eyes glowing beneath the cap. The uniform was different- Cerberus, she noted- but the smile wasn't.

 

“Joker!” She had a crazy, impulsive desire to throw her arms around him, but that just wasn't what you _did_ with Joker. Not because he was really fragile, but because he just wasn't the cuddling type, She smiled at him instead, and then remembered her earlier thought about killing him for what had happened.

 

“It's really you, then?” Joker was staring at her intently. “They told me last night, but you know what Cerberus are like- the word trustworthy doesn't exactly spring to mind, does it?”

 

“And yet here you are, on a Cerberus station, wearing a Cerberus uniform.” She tried to keep her tone light, to match his, but his eyes were still scanning her with an intensity she'd never seen in them before. Shepard fought to remind herself that she had seen him yesterday- or what felt like yesterday- but for him it had been two years.

 

“Well, funnily enough, it's been a long two years. Someone decided to go and get herself killed and leave us in what might be termed 'a real old shit-storm'. The Alliance didn't turn out to be trustworthy either, in the end.” He leaned back slightly, apparently satisfied enough that this was Shepard. He gestured for her to follow him and they set off.

 

“I can't believe it's really you, Joker,” Shepard said.

 

He glanced back at her. “Look who's talking. I saw you get spaced.” The comment was light but something flashed in Joker's eyes that stopped her from pursuing this line of conversation further.

 

“Got lucky, with a lot of strings attached. How'd you get here?”

 

Joker paused. “It all fell apart without you, Commander. Everything you stirred up, the Council just wanted it gone. Team was broken up, records sealed, and I was grounded. The Alliance took away the one thing that mattered to me. Hell yeah I joined Cerberus.”

 

Records sealed. The team broken up. That meant that for two years they'd done nothing more about the Reapers. Shit. “You really trust the Illusive Man?”

 

They'd paused by a window overlooking something huge, dark and shadowy. Joker flashed her half a smile. “I don't trust anyone who makes more than I do. But they aren't all bad. Saved your life. Let me fly. And there's this. They only told me last night.”

 

Shepard gasped as the bright white lights flickered on, revealing a gorgeous ship. It was sleek and smooth. It was the Normandy, or at least a copy of her. A better copy of her. The Cerberus logo on the side made her feel a little uncomfortable but she could understand why Joker was so happy. She could hardly believe they were giving her a ship.

 

“Feels good to be home, huh, Commander?” Joker was grinning now.

 

All of her objections died at the sight of that grin. “I guess we'll have to give her a name.”

 

“Yeah, about that...” Joker's eyes were glowing and Shepard knew exactly what his suggestion was going to be.

 

*

 

“The new Normandy, huh?” Shepard stood behind Joker as she had done so many times before, watching him work.

 

“Can you believe this, Commander?” Joker swung his chair around to face her, elation evident on his face. “It's my baby, better than new. It fits me like a glove! And leather seats! Military may set the hardware standard, but on a first-gen frigate they could care less if the seats breathe. Civilian sector comfort by design.”

 

EDI spoke up then. Shepard had been trying to get used to her voice as she travelled around the ship but it was bizarre and unsettling that the Normandy had a voice. “The reproduction was not intended to be perfect, Mr Moreau. Seamless improvements were made.”

 

Joker looked away from the blue holographic sphere with disgust burning in his eyes. “And there's the downside. I liked the Normandy when she was beautiful and quiet. Now she's got this thing I don't want to talk about. It's like ship cancer.”

 

“I don't trust them.” Shepard hated how pessimistic she sounded. “We still need to move ahead, but it's all too convenient.” And it was. The more she thought about it, the more she doubted that Cerberus had good intentions.

 

Joker shrugged. “Maybe you're right. I guess it's hard to argue when they install an AI to spy on us.” He brightened. “We're staying though, right? I mean, this seat is real leather.”

 

“Good to see you're keeping it all in perspective, Joker.”

 

“Uh, leather!”

 

*

 

Shepard turned the shower in her cabin on and undressed slowly. Her body still felt foreign and wrong. She wondered how much of it was in her mind. Looking at herself in the mirror, she examined the new scars. The ones on her face were fading, and she wondered how long ago they had stitched her head back together. The thought made her feel dizzy and sick, and she grabbed the sink for support. Some of the ones on her body were almost completely faded, pale white lines that hadn't been there when she'd stepped out of the shower yesterday. (Not yesterday. She had to remember that.)

 

Her face looked like it belonged to somebody else without the scar she had lost. It didn't look two years older, either. She thought of Kaidan's fingers on her face, the way he had looked into her eyes. What would he think when he saw her new face?

 

She stood under the hot jet of water. It was glorious and soothing, and she found herself sitting down on the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees and pressing her face into her thighs as the water cascaded down over her. She was so tired.

 

Two years. What would he be doing now? She supposed it was perfectly plausible that he was married with a child by now. The thought made her start to cry. He probably wasn't- almost certainly wasn't- but if he had moved on she couldn't blame him.

 

How had he felt when she died? The last thing he had said to her had been a terse, “Aye, aye.” Knowing Kaidan, he would have been eaten up by that.

 

“Shepard.” EDI's voice startled her and she lifted her head, pulling further into herself and looking around suspiciously before she remembered the AI.

 

“What is it?” Shepard asked, wiping her face.

 

“I was just checking that you are feeling well.”

 

“Well, I'm not.”

 

No response from EDI. Shepard forced herself to stand up and turned the water off. She reached for the towel and dried herself without looking at herself in the mirror.

 

There was a knock at the door.

 

Shepard was very tempted to ask whoever was there to go away.  _Go fuck yourself! I've just been resurrected after being dead for two years and I want a fucking nap!_ But she forced herself to wrap herself in the Cerberus-issue bathrobe she found hanging up and opened the door.

 

It was Joker. She was startled. Of course, she had seen him in places other than the cockpit on the first Normandy- he wasn't attached to that chair, after all- but it had been rare, and he'd never come to her quarters.

 

“What are you doing?” he asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously, looking at her wet hair and bathrobe. “Are you- is this you trying to seduce me, Commander? Because, honestly, I'm not really feeling-”

 

“Joker! What the hell are you doing here?”

 

“EDI said you needed me. I had no idea that she meant _needed_ me, and I mean, I don't blame you or anything, and I am flattered, but-” He was grinning now.

 

“I never told EDI that.” Shepard raked an agitated hand through her wet hair. “And also, shut up, Joker.”

 

That made him laugh. “Why did she think it was necessary to send me up here, then? Oh shit, do you think she's trying to take over the ship? We're going to be first people ever to be hijacked by the ship itself. It'll be really embarrassing.”

 

“I was crying in the shower.” She surprised herself with her honesty. “EDI must have thought I needed a friend.”

 

“I wonder why she didn't choose Miranda? Or Jacob 'Empathy' Taylor?”

 

“Beats me,” she replied, “what could possibly cheer me up more than having Miranda be offended by my very existence some more?” She stepped to one side. “Come in, if you want.”

 

He entered without comment, although Shepard could see several flashing through his mind. He sat down carefully, looking around. Shepard sat down next to him and felt indescribably glad he was here.

 

“What were you crying about?” Joker asked, in a very gentle voice that almost made her cry again. She must be a pathetic-looking creature if she was getting sympathy from her pain-in-the-ass pilot.

 

“Just... thinking. Two years is a long time. It feels like yesterday to me, you know. The first Normandy- hauling your crippled ass out the cockpit.” She forced herself to make the quip and to smile at him, and was rewarded by him lifting his eyebrows and quirking his lips into a grin. “They've all moved on, haven't they? My crew. Look at Tali. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm proud of her. Damn proud.” A tear broke free and trailed down her cheek. “Everything's changed, though, Joker.”

 

“You're right to be proud.” Joker reached across and took her hand. They'd never touched before, apart from her dragging him to the evac shuttle. His fingers were warm and surprisingly strong. She had never been happier to feel another person's touch. “You took them all and you made them better. Garrus, Wrex, Kaidan, Tali, Liara- not me, of course, you can't get much better than being the best pilot in the universe- but them, you shaped them. You gave them a purpose.”

 

“What happened to them?” Shepard asked, with a touch of reluctance. “What happened after I...?”

 

Joker looked away, lost in thought. Shepard wondered if he was trying to decide how much to tell her. “We stuck together at first, especially that first week. It was... I'm not going to lie, it was horrible, Shepard. We didn't know what was going to happen. We missed you.”

 

“Was there a funeral?” She didn't want to imagine what a funeral would have been like.

 

“A memorial service. We never found your body, remember. The service was huge- hundreds of people out. Anderson and Hackett did some speeches. The asari councillor said some crappy words about how they owed you, blah blah. Er... Kaidan was asked to speak. He did well. Told everyone about you dragging his ass away from that beacon. Shepard, you're going to break my fingers if you keep squeezing them like that, I'm fragile, remember?”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Anyway, yeah. It was a pretty huge deal. Garrus afterwards said that you would have hated it, and I think he was probably right. We- the crew that is- we got together at Garrus' apartment afterwards for what will probably be remembered forever as the crappiest party of all time.”

 

“What was crappy about it?”

 

A look of intense pain flashed in Joker's eyes but he forced a smile. “The food was terrible, Commander. Seriously- don't ever let Vakarian cook for you. I don't think Cerberus would be able to repair the damage.”

 

“Do you think we'll find Garrus?” Shepard asked. “What happened to him?”

 

“I think he was asked to go back to C-Sec. Last I heard, he told Executor Pallin to shove his job and disappeared off somewhere. Typical Garrus. He always had a problem with authority, and I'm not pointing fingers, but you totally encouraged it, Commander.”

 

Shepard smiled reluctantly. “So you don't think we'll find him?”

 

“Oh yeah. He'll turn up like a bad penny. I think he sees you as his mentor or something. You took his already-pissed-off-with-authority self and moulded him into somebody who can't even cope with living somewhere with actual laws. And you made him even more dangerous with a rifle. Which was kind of you. Or, you know, not.”

 

“What about Liara?”

 

“She's off doing some information brokering. Again, someone you possibly owe an apology to, since that sounds like the most boring job in the universe.”

 

“How was she after... you know...?”

 

“She was so upset that Wrex had to give her a hug. It was that bad, Commander. Wrex is back on Tuchanka- I hate to repeat myself but you probably want to apologise to him, too.”

 

Shepard took a deep breath. “What about Kaidan?”

 

“He's still Alliance. Typical Kaidan. He's even been promoted- Commander Alenko. He's basically the opposite of Garrus. While we're all fleeing authority, Kaidan is actually basking in it.”

 

“I thought you said the Alliance was burying what we found. Why is Kaidan okay with that?” Shepard's brow creased.

 

“Beats me. We haven't spoken since that night at Garrus'.” Joker seemed to regret the words as soon as he said them, looking away and pulling his hand from her grip.

 

“Why not? Have you spoken to the others?”

 

Joker took a deep breath. “Well, yes. Just not Kaidan. He was angry at me.”

 

Shepard felt realisation bloom. “Because I had to go and save you.”

 

“Basically.” Joker cleared his throat. “Anyway, that's basically all I know.”

 

Shepard leaned back. This still felt like some bad dream. Her life hadn't been normal for a long time. Now, it was just plain bizarre. And she was working with Cerberus. Kaidan was going to love that.

 

“Anything else you want to know, Commander?” Joker asked.

 

Shepard shook her head. “I think I better get some sleep before we hit Omega. Joker- thanks.”

 

He smiled at her, standing up. “Any time. And who knows- next time, you might even get lucky with your charming, ruggedly handsome pilo-”

 

“Joker, get out!”


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Archangel.

It didn't look good, Garrus mused, staring down the scope of his rifle. He had let himself get cornered. The mercs were throwing everything they had at him, so far without success. He was, however, trapped. He had plenty of thermal clips but not a lot of food. He hadn't slept in nearly thirty-six hours. His body ached and he knew he would start making mistakes soon.

 

Damn it.

 

There was a break in their offensive and he took a minute to compose himself. If this was the end- and that looked pretty likely, if he was honest with himself- he should probably leave a message for his father and sister. He tapped agitatedly at his omni-tool, setting it to record the message but not send it.

 

“Um, if you're getting this message I've died on Omega, like so many other idiots before me. I know you hate vigilantes, father, and if I'm really honest with myself that might be one of the reasons I became one. I'm Archangel, by the way, if nobody's figured that out yet.” He felt a chuckle escape his lips. The idea of his father's expression upon getting this message was quite amusing, actually. The lack of sleep and fear of death must be making him delirious. “I hope you're still proud of me for what I did with Commander Shepard a few years ago. I thought I could keep making a difference but I guess I was wrong. Goodbye.”

 

He glanced back down the scope but they were still regrouping. They must be preparing for a big wave. He took a deep breath.

 

Garrus had really wanted to see Tali once more. She was just about the only friend he had left, the only person from the original Normandy he had kept in contact with. He supposed that now he wouldn't get a chance. He decided to record a message for her, too.

 

“Tali, hey. It's me. Obviously. Um, if you're getting this, I've died on Omega. Turns out that making a difference is quite difficult. Anyway, I wanted you to know that I really wanted to see you again, but I let myself get into a bad situation I couldn't get out of. Be safe, Tali.” His throat was suddenly burning. “Keelah se'lai.”

 

They were coming. He heard them and stared down the scope once more. He picked one merc off with an easy headshot and lined up the next one when he recognised the face he was staring into.

 

_Shepard._

 

She was running with the mercs, although he noted that she wasn't firing towards him like the others were. Nor were the two people who followed her. He didn't recognise them- one was a handsome, young, muscular human male; the other was a taller, leaner human male, with a disfigured face. The younger male had a Cerberus logo on his chest.

 

Confused, he turned the scope back to Shepard. It was definitely her. Her eyes had the same determined spark he had admired from the first time they met.

 

He saw her shoot one of his attackers in the back with her assault rifle and suddenly the mercs realised that she wasn't with them. She dived for cover, along with her two human males. Garrus forced himself to focus and concentrating on picking off the mercs who were attacking her.

 

Finally, it was clear, and Garrus saw the three of them run inside the building. The seconds in which he waited for them to climb the stairs and enter the room where he was were the longest of his life so far. What was going on?

 

“Archangel?” Shepard's voice was the same.

 

Garrus wanted to turn and see her, find out what the hell was going on, but he had spotted a leftover merc through his scope. He raised his hand automatically to silence her before shooting him.

 

Inhaling, he moved away from the window, lowering the rifle and reaching to remove his helmet. His arms were burning from hours of prolonged use. He sat down, forcing himself to stay calm until he knew what was happening.

 

Shepard stared at him, looking just as surprised as he felt. This close, her face looked a little different, and it took him a second to realise that her long scar had vanished, but she had new ones along her cheeks and jawbone. It was still her, though. The expression on her face was just what he expected. She was smiling, just slightly, through her surprise.

 

“Shepard,” he said. He had never expected to say it to her again; he had never expected to say anything to her again. He had _known_ he wouldn't. Dead is dead. “I thought you were dead.”

 

Shepard threw open her arms in a bizarrely human gesture, her smile full and bright. “Garrus! What are you doing here?” She had ignored his statement completely, but he found he didn't mind. He trusted her- he still trusted her completely. Even now, in this impossible moment.

 

“Just keeping my skills sharp. A little target practice.”

 

“You okay?”

 

“Been better, but it sure is good to see a friendly face.” Garrus could see that Shepard felt the same way. “Killing mercs is hard work. Especially on my own.”

 

“What are you doing out here on Omega?”

 

“Got fed up of all the bureaucratic crap on the Citadel. Figured I could do more good on my own. At least it's not hard to find criminals here. All I have to do is point my gun and shoot.”

 

She stepped towards him, away from the two men stood behind her. “How'd you manage to piss off every major merc organisation in the Terminus systems?” she asked with a smile.

 

He held her gaze steadily. “It wasn't easy. I really had to work at it. I am amazed that they all teamed up to fight me. They must really hate me.”

 

“Since when did you start calling yourself 'Archangel'?” Shepard asked, clearly just remembering his nickname, which now sounded stupid and made him feel embarrassed.

 

“It's just a name the locals gave me. For all my good deeds.” He let out an awkward chuckle. “I don't mind it, but please, it's just 'Garrus' to you.”

 

Shepard was still smiling at him. She really was glad to see him, he realised. She shook her head slightly, her expression growing serious. “Well, we got here, but I don't think getting out will be as easy.”

 

*

 

Shepard left him with the younger of the two men as she and the older man- 'Zaeed', she had called him- went to deal with the break-in downstairs. The human he was left with was a biotic, one who insisted on pulling targets into the air to 'help' Garrus.

 

“I'm Jacob Taylor, by the way. It's an honour to meet you. I've heard a lot about you, Garrus.”

 

Garrus grunted as he took down a merc with yet another perfect headshot. He hoped that his lack of verbal response would signal to the Cerberus operative that he didn't want to talk.

 

“You're a hell of a shot,” Jacob Taylor continued.

 

There was a pause in the onslaught and Garrus glanced at him. “You're Cerberus, right?”

 

“Yes. Ex-Alliance.”

 

“Is Shepard working for Cerberus?”

 

“Yes.” Jacob must have been able to read the surprise on Garrus' face. “Cerberus rebuilt her. It's taken the last two years. I worked for Project Lazarus, the project responsible for bringing her back.”

 

Garrus felt his mandibles twitch. “Not that I'm ungrateful, Jacob, but why did Cerberus bring back Shepard? She was never a particular fan of yours.”

 

“The Collectors. They're targeting and abducting entire human colonies. We think it's to do with the Reapers. Unsurprisingly, nobody else is really doing anything about it.”

 

“And the Reapers fear Shepard,” Garrus mused thoughtfully.

 

“If they can feel fear, they'll fear her,” Jacob confirmed.

 

“Who wouldn't?”

 

*

 

“Ah, Garrus, you had us worried for a minute.”

 

Garrus blinked. The harsh light made him hiss involuntarily and he turned his face away, into a soft pillow. However, there was something wrong with it. The side of his face exploded in pain and he cried out, feeling instantly ashamed of the noise.

 

“Careful, Garrus.” Cold, soft fingers- human- gently turned the side of his face away from the pillow. The pain dulled.

 

Garrus found himself looking into the firm face of Doctor Chakwas. She was smiling down at him fondly, her narrow lips tweaked upwards in a way that softened her whole face. He had never expected to see her again.

 

“Doctor Chakwas.” He swallowed painfully. “Where am I?”

 

“You're in the med bay of the Normandy SR-2.”

 

“The Normandy SR-2?” Garrus mused. “Cerberus gave Shepard this ship, I suppose?” He shifted uncomfortably in the bed.

 

Doctor Chakwas nodded. “I don't like them,” she said, in response to the question he hadn't asked, “but when I heard about Shepard- and Jeff- I had to come.”

 

“Jeff? Joker's here too?” Garrus thought back to the last time he had seen the pilot, looking so small in his kitchen. So much time had passed since then. Garrus missed the old days, the old crew, with such intensity that some days it physically hurt.

 

“I believe he's on his way down to see you.” The doctor paused. “How is your face, Garrus? I repaired it the best I can with some implants and cybernetics.”

 

Garrus blinked groggily. The whole day was a confusing jumble in his head. Fighting the mercs, seeing _Shepard_ alive, then....

 

“I took a rocket to the face, didn't I?”

 

“You sure did, buddy!” Joker was framed in the doorway. The pilot was the same, right down to the crooked grin and sparkling eyes. “Good work, Archangel. Great strategy.”

 

“It's nice to see you, too,” Garrus replied drily.

 

Joker laughed, then crossed the room carefully and offered Garrus his hand. Garrus looked down at for a second before realising that Joker wanted to shake hands. He stuck out his own hand, so different to Joker's. Why did humans need so many fingers? He heard Joker chuckle quietly before the pilot wrapped those fingers around Garrus' longer fingers and shook them gently.

 

When Joker released his fingers, Garrus raised them to his face and touched the damaged side. It felt _lumpy_. The disfigured human- Zaeed- appeared in his mind's eye and he felt a sick surge of panic.

 

“You're looking great, Garrus. Vigilante life clearly suits you.” Joker's comment earned him a glare from Doctor Chakwas.

 

“ _Jeff_ ,” she said reprovingly.

 

“I suppose I shouldn't ask for a mirror.” Garrus tried to keep his voice light. He had never thought of himself as vain but the thought of what his face looked like now was almost sickening.

 

The pilot and the doctor exchanged a glance. Neither spoke.

 

“So, how is Shepard?” Garrus asked.

 

“Well, she's alive, which is a _vast_ improvement,” Joker replied with a shrug.

 

“I have concerns about her mental well-being,” Doctor Chakwas said. “Physically, she seems to be fine, which is nothing short of a miracle. But she has lost two whole years. Her friends have all moved on.”

 

“Apart from us three,” Joker said. “We didn't have anywhere better to go. Who would have thought that getting into near-death experiences with Shepard would be the highlight of our lives?”

 

“You need to get a girlfriend, Joker,” Garrus chuckled.

 

“Likewise, Archangel. Did you get lots of hot turian females while you were holed up in that place, about to die because of poor strategic planning? If I had known how much women liked tactical mistakes, I would have started making them years ago.”

 

“Anyway,” said the doctor, flashing them both a stern glance, “I think that the combination of losing two years, working with Cerberus and being resurrected is taking its toll on her.”

 

A blue holographic orb appeared on an interface on the far side of the room. It spoke in a cool, female voice. “Analysis shows that Shepard's stress levels are rising. She is sleeping poorly.”

 

“Ugh, I hate that thing. It's so creepy. It's watching us sleep now?”

 

“It is my job to monitor, Jeff.” The orb disappeared again.

 

“What was that?” Garrus asked. “It wasn't... an AI?”

 

“It's called EDI.” Joker rolled his eyes. “Working for Cerberus is just as messed up as you'd expect. Welcome to the party, Garrus.”

 

*

 

“It's good to see you.” Shepard closed her eyes and leaned against the table in the communications room, folding her arms across her chest. The harsh light made her look older.

 

“I'm worried about you, Shepard.” Garrus said the words without thinking. He would have never told Shepard he was worried about her before. She seemed different now. More complicated.

 

Her green eyes flickered open and looked over at him. “You been speaking to Joker?”

 

“I've been getting insulted by Joker, if that's the same thing.”

 

She laughed. “I'm glad you're here. I couldn't do this without you.”

 

Garrus felt a swell of pride in his chest. He had known that Shepard respected him and trusted him. But the idea that she saw him as a friend was immensely gratifying. It made the rocket to the face seem worth it.

 

“Of course you could. Not as stylishly, of course.” He paused as she laughed again. “Have you contacted Kaidan?”

 

She pushed off the table and folded her arms. “No. Not yet. I keep thinking about it. The Illusive Man said he was promoted. He's going to have this life where he's had two years to get over me, and where he has a job he loves. I don't know how he'd react to his dead girlfriend sending him a message. _Hi Kaidan, it's Shep here- guess what, Cerberus brought me back to life and now I'm working for them. I'm sure that won't be hard for your regulation-blue-ass to handle. Let's go for a beer.”_

 

Garrus thought back to the look on Kaidan's face on the day of Shepard's memorial. “I still think he'd like to hear from you.”

 

Shepard shrugged. “Maybe. I need to think about it. I'd like to find out more information before I contact him. What if he has a girlfriend? Or a child?” Her face scrunched up as if she was in pain before she took a deep breath. “Besides, we have more important things to worry about. I can't spend my time moping about my boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Whatever he is. Cerberus brought me back to stop the Collectors, not act like a teenage girl.”

 

The door opened and they both turned to look. A salarian stood there.

 

“Ah, Mordin, this is Garrus Vakarian. Garrus, this is Mordin Solus.”

 

Garrus inclined his head to the salarian. “I've heard of you. Are you joining us?”

 

“Indeed. Need me to create an antidote to seeker swarms.” The salarian's speech was almost ridiculously quick.

 

“Seeker swarms?” Garrus looked to Shepard for clarification. “This mission is going to make chasing Saren look like a vacation, isn't it?”


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan has moved on. Or, at least, he's tried.

Kaidan tugged awkwardly on his sleeve. His palms felt sweaty and he was too warm. He looked away from the door, growing impatient with waiting, and stared out over the Presidium. It looked beautiful from up here, all twinkling lights and smooth white surfaces that stretched as far as the eye could see.

 

It had taken a long time to fix after what had happened. Being here made Kaidan think of Shepard. It wasn't just the Presidium, either- there was something about the Citadel that seemed to be tied to her. He remembered the day they had ran around the Citadel looking for information on Saren. Ashley had been with them then, and it was before they knew each other very well. Hell, he hadn't even known Shepard too well then. They had been quite a pair, two strong women, two extraordinary soldiers.

 

The door opened and Mae stepped out in a cloud of perfume. She looked especially lovely tonight, he thought. Her blonde hair was piled elaborately on top of her head and her blue eyes were heavily outlined. She wore a red dress which was all straps and complicated cut-outs. A lot of her smooth skin was on display.

 

She smiled at Kaidan warmly as he bent to kiss her cheek. “Good evening, Kaidan.”

 

“Good evening, Mae,” he replied. “Have you had a nice day?”

 

“It's been busy, but excellent. The med clinic has been so crowded recently.” She smiled. “How about you?”

 

He pondered his answer. He had spent the day helping Anderson go through reports on the Collectors. It had been grim reading, to say the least. “It's been fine,” he said. “I thought we could try sushi tonight, if you're up for that?”

 

The Presidium was busy that evening. Kaidan took Mae's arm as they walked through. This was their seventh date in six months. Kaidan spent quite a small amount of time on the Citadel, as a rule. Walking in the Presidium made him remember the day they'd made Shepard a Spectre, and then remember her emerging from the wreckage mere metres away from the same spot. She had looked so beautiful standing there, dark hair falling free from her usual ponytail, bleeding a little from her chin. It didn't take long for Kaidan to become overwhelmed by these memories. However, duty often brought him back here.

 

He had met Mae after he'd had to get a particularly bad bullet wound checked at the med clinic. He had treated it himself during the fight, but it wasn't healing correctly. Mae had told him off for waiting so long to get it seen to, and he had invited her out for a drink.

 

Their relationship, if it could be called that, was progressing slowly. He _liked_ Mae. But then again he liked Tali. He liked Liara.

 

He looked at Mae closely as they sat down opposite each other in the restaurant. He had done this more than once before; she was the first woman he had become involved with since Shepard had died. He couldn't help but wonder why he had chosen her. He thought that he must, subconsciously, be able to see some similarities between Shepard and Mae. Every time he considered it, though, he came up blank. They didn't look alike. Shepard had been small and almost masculine in her build, whereas Mae was tall and curvy. Mae was patient and calm- perfect characteristics for a doctor. Shepard had always been impatient and occasionally bad-tempered.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Mae asked gently.

 

“Just... food. I'm very hungry.”

 

Mae raised an eyebrow at him but didn't reply straight away. Instead, she took his hand across the table. They had never held hands before. Their relationship so far had involved chaste kisses on her cheek at the start and end of dates. Her fingers were cold and surprisingly strong. “Kaidan...”

 

“Is something wrong?” He was very aware of his sweaty palm.

 

She smiled suddenly and removed her hand as the waiter approached. She ordered wine and soup confidently, and Kaidan could see the waiter fall in love with her as she spoke. What was wrong with him? Why didn't he feel this way about the woman before him?

 

“I was thinking of going to Earth when I have some time off next month,” she said to Kaidan as the waiter moved away to get their wine.

 

“Anywhere in particular?” Kaidan asked, feeling more comfortable. He could do small talk.

 

“Canada. I thought we could go together.”  
  


Kaidan raised his eyebrows in surprise, momentarily unsure of what to say. The waiter appeared again, placing two glasses on the table and filling them with rich, blood-red wine.

 

“Thank you so much,” Mae purred up at him.

 

He blushed and walked away, and Mae turned her piercing blue eyes back to Kaidan. He swallowed. He wasn't  _ready_ for this conversation. He might never be ready.

 

“I have... a lot of work to do, Mae. The Collectors are...” He trailed off uselessly, reaching for his wine glass and taking a long drink.

 

Her fingers entwined around his again, and he resisted the urge to pull away from her. She leaned towards him across the table. “Kaidan, I understand. I know we've never talked about Shepard- and if you never want to, that's alright.”

 

His cheeks were burning, and he wasn't sure why. “Mae, please, can we not do this now?”

 

The waiter brought their soup over, and Kaidan moved his hand from hers gratefully, eating in silence. For a while, she did the same. She really was beautiful. He watched the way she delicately spooned the soup into her mouth.

 

She smiled at him suddenly. “How's the soup?” she asked.

 

“Delicious, thank you. Yours?”

 

Her eyes sparkled at him over the rim over her wineglass as she raised it to take a sip. “Lovely, thank you.”

 

“You really do look beautiful tonight,” he said without thinking.

 

“Let's get out of here,” she said suddenly.

 

He nodded his acquiescence without really thinking about it. He felt like his head was full of fog. He had never had a date like this with Shepard, where they'd just eaten and talked. Would Shepard have wanted small talk? Would she have suggested they leave the restaurant early? He would never know.

 

He paid the bill and found himself back out in the Presidium again. Instead of hooking her arm through his, Mae now wound her fingers around his hand.

 

The problem with dating again was that he got to think about what could have been. He had laughed over drinks with Mae, he had gone to see a comedy show with her, and he had sat opposite her in many restaurants. He had never done those things with Shepard. He somehow couldn't even imagine it. Shepard had always been larger than life, and in death, she had become more so in his memory.

 

Mae was a normal woman, not a soldier. He could leave her and know that she would still be here when he returned. She wouldn't have to save the galaxy, or make huge decisions that affected millions of lives. She wouldn't die.

 

They reached the door of her apartment. He bent to drop his usual kiss to her cheek, but suddenly her fingers cupped his face, holding him gently in place. Her eyes burned into his and she murmured his name. She wouldn't die.

 

He lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her lips. She responded eagerly, opening her mouth to deepen the kiss. She tasted of wine and mint.

 

“Come inside with me,” she whispered as he drew back from the kiss.

 

He hesitated. Here was a very beautiful, very kind, very clever woman who clearly cared for him. He would be an idiot to refuse her, to keep making her wait for him to get over his dead girlfriend. On the other hand, she wasn't Shepard. Nobody was.

 

His omni-tool alerted him that he had a message, and he raised an apologetic eyebrow to Mae as he read it.

 

“I have to go.” He looked up at her. The decision, in the end, had been made for him. “Admiral Anderson needs to speak with me urgently.”

 

She nodded and gave him a regretful smile, turning away. He didn't know what made him do it, but he caught her elbow and turned her gently back to him, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. She nodded again, as if he had told her something, and disappeared inside alone.

 

Anderson had requested to see him at his apartment, which was unusual. Kaidan had only been there once before, for an Alliance party. It wasn't far from Mae's apartment, so he set off on foot, his mind racing. He had to sort himself out. He couldn't spend the rest of his life messing women around because of Shepard. Shepard would have wanted him to move on.

 

Kaidan entered Anderson's apartment and looked around for him. It was a beautiful, vast home, currently dark and quiet. The fire flickered in the grate, casting an eerie orange glow. Kaidan wondered if he had been tricked and prepared himself to charge his biotics.

 

“Admiral?” he called out.

 

“I'm through here.” Kaidan followed the sound of his voice to the study at the back. What he saw shocked him. Anderson was in his shirtsleeves, sat at his desk surrounded by datapads. The admiral had deep bags beneath his eyes and there was an empty bottle of wine at his elbow. The lights were dimmed.

 

“Sir? Is everything alright?” Kaidan had a bad feeling growing in the pit of his stomach.

 

“Please, Kaidan, sit down,” Anderson said. His voice was devoid of its usual warmth.

 

Kaidan sat down with a growing feeling of dread. Anderson looked at a datapad closely before placing it down on the desk. He took a deep breath.

 

“I have... unsettling news, Commander. I thought it was better that you heard it from me. I need to know that you knew nothing about this before it gets out in the open.”

 

“About what?”

 

Anderson took another deep breath. “Three weeks ago, there were two big incidents on Omega. A Cerberus squad shot up a quarantined district, taking down a lot of Blood Pack mercenaries. They cured the plague and took a salarian scientist away with them.”

 

“Why would I know about that?” Kaidan asked. “Sir, I haven't been anywhere near Omega.”

 

Anderson raised his hand. “The scientist is Mordin Solus. He was in STG. By all accounts, he's a brilliant doctor. I know this because the Alliance was considering approaching him. We think he will be able to come up with a cure to the seeker swarms used by the Collectors.”

 

“Why do Cerberus want him?” Kaidan asked.

 

“We suspect they're investigating the Collectors themselves. The other incident involved a vigilante named Archangel.”

 

“I've heard of him. A turian taking on all the mercs on Omega, right?” Kaidan rolled his eyes. “He got himself killed?”

 

Anderson laughed humourlessly. “No. A Cerberus team swept in and saved him.”

 

“Why would Cerberus want a turian vigilante?”

 

“We weren't sure at first.”

 

“I don't understand what this has to do with me,” Kaidan said.

 

“I'm getting to that. Two days ago, all hell broke loose on the maximum security prison ship Purgatory. The place was... well, _gutted_ by a Cerberus squad.”

 

Kaidan frowned, his brow creasing. “But why? Were they stealing the prisoners?”

 

“We have looked at the security footage. They took one prisoner with them.” He passed Kaidan a datapad. Kaidan found himself looking down at a woman's face, one which was twisted with rage. She had a shaven head and was heavily tattooed. “They call her Subject Zero. She calls herself Jack. We don't know much about her except that she's a very dangerous criminal and an incredibly powerful biotic. Some reports say that she was actually raised by Cerberus in a research lab.”

 

“Perhaps they just wanted back what they think is theirs.” Kaidan stared down at the face again. “Are these three things related?”

 

“We didn't think so. Cerberus have many divisions and they tend to be working on many things. The only thing that links these three things is the fact that Cerberus took- or recruited- someone from each. But that's not all.”

 

Anderson rubbed his hand over his eyes. He looked exhausted. He passed Kaidan another datapad. It was covered with words in a tiny font, but one word leapt out at him the way it always did.  _Shepard._ He felt his stomach flip over the way it always did when he saw her name.

 

“You can read it later. I'll tell you what it says.” Anderson swallowed. “It says that Shepard is alive. And that she's working for Cerberus.”

 

Kaidan laughed bitterly. “That's ridiculous. Where did this information come from?”

 

“Interestingly, we're quite sure it came from Cerberus themselves. We were sure it was ridiculous at first. I thought they were trying to send us on some sort of wild goose chase.”

 

“What do you mean, you _thought_ that?” Kaidan was very aware of his heart beating painfully in his chest. The horrible feeling of something being terribly wrong was back. “What changed?”

 

“This did.” Anderson passed him a picture. “It's from the Purgatory's security footage.”

 

Kaidan looked hard at the photograph in his hands. He felt very cold. He was looking at three people, taking cover behind a crate. The image had been taken from above them, pointing down at them and giving him a perfect view of their faces. A human woman was on the left. She was charging her biotics, the blue glow making her look terrible and fierce. A turian was on the right, holding a sniper rifle in his long fingers. His face was scarred but Kaidan recognised him.

 

And the woman in the middle? She was wearing bulky black armour that couldn't quite mask the fact that she was quite small. She clutched a Mattock heavy rifle that looked too large for her hands. They had always looked too large for her hands. A tear escaped Kaidan's eye and trickled down his cheek. He hadn't even known he was about to cry. The woman's face was focused. She was looking over at the turian with wide green eyes. Shiny dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail, away from her face.

 

“No.” Kaidan heard himself say the word in a hollow voice. “This is a trick.”

 

Anderson said nothing, merely passed him another photograph.

 

This one showed the same woman. She was standing by a skycar with two human males. They were both heavily armed. The young, handsome one had the Cerberus logo on his chest.

 

“That was taken on Omega. The young Cerberus agent is named Jacob Taylor. He's ex-Alliance. The other is the mercenary Zaeed Massani.” Anderson's voice was matter-of-fact.

 

Kaidan blinked. He couldn't believe that he was holding a picture that proved Shepard was alive. He had mourned her. He was starting to move on. Where had she been for the past two years? Why hadn't she contacted him?

 

“I'm going to be sick.” He dropped the datapads and photographs and ran to the bathroom. He fell to his knees in front of the toilet. _Shepard's alive._ He was sick.

 

He stood up afterwards and looked at his face in the mirror. His eyes were red-rimmed. The vomit had tasted of the wine and soup he had shared with another woman.

 

Shepard. Was she in danger? Was that why she hadn't contacted him? Maybe Cerberus was forcing her to work for them. He knew in his heart that that wasn't the case. He felt numb, empty.

 

He returned to Anderson and sat down heavily. “That turian. It's Garrus Vakarian,” he said.

 

“Yes, we believe he's working with Cerberus too.” Anderson reached out and patted Kaidan on the knee. “I'm so sorry, son.”

 

“I don't understand. Where has she been? Why wouldn't she get in contact?”

 

“We're pretty confident she did actually die.” Anderson swallowed. He looked on the verge of tears himself. “There were rumours of some... unpleasantness... regarding her body.”

 

“Why wasn't I informed, Sir?” Kaidan demanded.

 

“You had enough to worry about. I'm sorry.” Anderson shook his head sadly. He retrieved the picture from the Purgatory and pointed at it. “This woman is Miranda Lawson. She's the Illusive Man's second-in-command. We knew she'd been working on some secret project for the past two years. It's safe to assume the project was bringing Shepard back to life.”

 

“That's not possible.” Kaidan raked a hand through his hair. He was drunk, or dreaming. He had to be.

 

“It could be a clone. It could be a VI. But that's _Shepard_ , Kaidan. You can see that.”

 

Kaidan looked at the face on the photograph. How many times had he woken up with that face grinning down into his? “Why is she working for Cerberus?”

 

“That's where my concerns lie. They're either controlling her or she's there of her own free will.”

 

“They could have implanted a control chip...” Kaidan rubbed his head. He was getting a headache- a bad one. “I don't understand why Garrus is there though. Why would she contact him?” _And not me?_

 

“We're not sure.” Anderson handed him yet another photograph. “This was taken from the Omega docks. It's Shepard's new ship.”

 

“The Normandy SR-2?” Kaidan swallowed around a painful lump as he looked at the familiar-yet-different ship.

 

“The pilot is one Jeff Moreau, former Alliance Flight Lieutenant.”

 

“ _Joker_?” Kaidan couldn't believe that yet another former friend was with Shepard when he wasn't.

 

“He went to Cerberus some time ago after he was grounded by Alliance brass. I did say it was a poor decision, but they had their minds made up.”

 

Kaidan exhaled. His hands were trembling. He stood up. “I didn't know anything about this, Admiral.”  
  


“I can see that.” Anderson closed his eyes briefly. “I know how difficult this is for you. As far as we know, something like this has _never_ happened before. We have no idea how Cerberus did it.”

 

“I need to go.”

 

“There's more. I'm sorry. We need you to ship out tomorrow. Horizon- in the Terminus systems- we've had word they're a potential Collector target.” Anderson stood up. “We need you to go as part of an 'outreach' program we're running.”

 

Kaidan nodded. “Yes, Sir.” Duty first. Always.

 

*

 

He somehow stumbled back to his apartment. He entered without turning the lights on. He felt empty. He felt heartbroken. He was confused, he was angry and he was alone. _Alone_.

 

Everything was blue and he let out a roar that was pure rage, barely aware of what he was doing.

 

Later, he sat in the space where his sofa had been before he had thrown it against the wall using his biotics, smashing it into pieces. Then he cried.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard prepares to face Kaidan.

Joker was humming to himself, perfectly content and at peace. He was fully focused on his job, sitting comfortably in his chair. The new Normandy was a pleasure to fly.

 

Shepard's voice came out of the speaker next to him. “Joker, set a course for Horizon. I've got to go see the professor.” Her voice sounded shaky.

 

“Aye, aye, Commander.” He wondered what was wrong. Horizon was a human colony. Had they been attacked by the Collectors? His mind whirred as he altered their course. Freedom's Progress had been depressing enough.

 

He heard heels behind him. Miranda. What was she doing out of her office? Usually, when she had orders to snap rudely at him, she did it from there. It probably wasn't a good thing that she had emerged to see him. Bitch.

 

He didn't bother turning around to face her. “Miranda.”

 

“Mr Moreau. I need to talk to you.” Brisk and efficient. She probably kept a timer close to hand when she was having sex. In fact, Joker mused, it was almost impossible to actually imagine Miranda having sex. She was so perfect and in control at all times.

 

Reluctantly, slowly, he turned his chair to face her. “Am I in trouble? I think I've stayed relatively out of trouble for the last half hour or so.”

 

She folded her arms across her ample chest. He hated the way that she glared at him. Her icy blue eyes were always full of superiority and disdain. “How long until we arrive at Horizon?”

 

“ETA ninety minutes.” Was this all she wanted? Somehow, he doubted it. He was on his guard.

 

To his surprise, she hesitated slightly. Then she sat down beside him, something she had never done. She looked out of place sat there, one arm draped in a deliberately casual way over the back of the chair. “What do you know about Commander Kaidan Alenko?”

 

The question surprised him. “Kaidan? I don't think you're his type, Miranda.”

 

“He's on Horizon.” She had narrowed his eyes at him. “I know about his history with Shepard, but I want to know how he'll react if he sees her.”

 

“I know it's not your style, but there'll probably be kisses and hugs.”

 

“Do you really think that?” Miranda narrowed her lips, lost in thought for a second. “That might complicate things.”

 

Joker felt intense dislike for her at that moment. The truth was, he wasn't really sure how Kaidan would react. As far as he knew, Shepard hadn't been in touch to say she was alive. They had been very much in love, anyone could see that, but so much time had passed. The Cerberus thing would be his main issue. Kaidan had a fetish for doing the right thing.

 

Miranda stood up and swept away without another word.Joker rolled his eyes at her rudeness and turned back to his controls.

 

Kaidan Alenko. Joker had been telling Shepard the truth when they had spoken about him. He hadn't kept in touch with the Commander, and knew only what he had heard on the news.

 

More footsteps behind him, these ones lighter, more purposeful and less meandering. Shepard. He turned around to face her. She was still in her hoodie, not yet ready to go to Horizon. Her face looked pale, emphasising how bright her green eyes were. As always, some of her hair had fallen loose and framed her face in dark, shiny tendrils.

 

“Hey, Commander.” Joker cleared his throat. “I- er...”

 

“Heard about Kaidan, then?” Shepard flopped down in the chair beside him with none of Miranda's grace, curling her legs up.

 

“I thought you'd be happier. Another friendly face... a much-needed opportunity to get some...” He trailed off at Shepard's expression.

 

“I don't think I'm ready to see him.” Shepard ran her fingers distractedly through her hair

 

“Why not?” Joker wondered when he asked the question when they'd become friends, not just colleagues. At some point, unnoticed, it had happened. She had come to him because she was upset.

 

She shrugged. “He's not going to like the Cerberus connection, is he? We all know what Kaidan is like.”

 

“He does have a fetish for doing the right thing.” Joker silently congratulated himself on getting a chance to use his line.

 

Shepard laughed reluctantly just as EDI's blue orb materialised. “Shepard, Garrus is on his way to the bridge to see you.”

 

“Thanks, EDI.”

 

“Hey, EDI,” Joker said, “how come you didn't warn me that Miranda was coming to bother me?”

 

The orb flickered slightly. “I cannot say, Jeff. I apologise for the omission.” It flickered out.

 

“I hate that thing.”

 

Garrus arrived loudly; his boots made a ridiculous amount of noise. If Joker had been turned away, he might have struggled to pick the sound out as Garrus- with Grunt and Zaeed, the ship was rapidly becoming populated by boots.

 

The turian looked at Shepard, curled up like a child, with some concern. “Shepard. I heard about Kaidan.”

 

“Who told you? There's no secrets on this ship, is there?” Shepard asked grumpily.

 

“Grunt told me.”

 

“ _Grunt?_ ” Joker laughed. “The baby krogan knows?”

 

“Are you alright?” Garrus asked gently.

 

“Don't give me that warm and fuzzy crap. The pair of you have been at it since I... well, you know.” She glared at them both. “Neither of you are the cuddly type, are you? So stop acting like it!”

 

Joker exchanged an amused glance with Garrus. Then, he leaned forward and punched Shepard in the arm with as much strength as he could without shattering his fingers.

 

“Ow!” She looked down at her arm and then back at him, her forehead wrinkling with confusion. “What-?”

 

“I thought I'd give you a punch. That's clearly the sort of behaviour you expect from us. We're not the sort of guys to be soft and understanding when our commander, and dear friend, is upset. So expect lots more of those unless you sort it out.”

 

“Joker's right.” It was hard to tell with turians but Joker knew that Garrus' voice was heavily laced with irony and sarcasm. “Get it sorted, Shepard. Or else.”

 

She looked between the pair of them and then snorted. “You two are the worst friends. I should have gone to confide my feelings in Jacob.”

 

“Kasumi's in with him,” Garrus said.

 

“Does he know about that?” Joker quipped.

 

Garrus reached out and placed his hand on Shepard's shoulder, the one Joker had just punched. Watching the tender gesture, he realised that, in a way, Shepard was right. They'd been treating her differently since she had come back. Dying had made her seem a lot more fragile. A lot more human.

 

“I'll come with you on the ground team, if you want,” Garrus offered. “Not to support your tender emotions, of course. I'm just really good with a sniper rifle.”

 

“Thanks, Garrus.”  
  


“I'll come, too, if you like,” Joker said. “I'll break my arm at a few Collectors and then, after that's been a success, I'll tell Kaidan to take you back unless he wants some of the same treatment.”

 

“Do you even have a gun?” Garrus asked him.

 

Joker gestured vaguely. “I have a pistol in that locker over there.”

 

“He's being modest,” Shepard said. “He also has an assault rifle. I had a look at his file when I took over the ship- _after_ we had that conversation, Joker- and he's pretty good with both of them.”

 

“That's bullshit.” Joker paused as they both looked at him. “I'm never modest.”

 

Garrus barked out a laugh as Shepard rolled her eyes. She pushed herself up reluctantly.

 

“I suppose I should go suit up.”

 

“Who do you want with us?” Garrus asked.

 

Shepard chewed her lip. “We should take Miranda. I'll go let her know.” She punched Joker's arm very gently before leaving, throwing him a fake glare.

 

Joker watched her go. She looked like she was confident and prepared, but he knew that was all an act. He remembered the tears rolling down her cheeks that night EDI had sent him up to her. He had a feeling that things weren't about to get any better.

 

“If I know Kaidan, and I unfortunately do,” he said, “he's going to be a total a-hole if they meet down there.”

 

“Agreed.” Garrus' mandibles twitched. “I can always try to scope him out and shoot him before they get a chance to talk.”

 

Joker chuckled. “Give him one from all of us fans here at Cerberus.”

 

“There's a distinct possibility that Mordin's counter-measure won't work. We'd be taken by the Collectors before we even bumped into Commander Alenko.”

 

“I can't decide which would be the worse fate,” Joker sighed.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horizon.

Kaidan woke up with another headache. It took him a few moments to drag himself out his dream. He had been dreaming of Mae; he had taken her back to the sushi restaurant and kissed her passionately across the table. When he had pulled away, it was Shepard in his arms, Shepard's lips bruised from his kisses. He had felt happy.

 

He shook his head to clear it, sitting up. It had been two weeks since he had heard the news from Anderson that she was still alive. He had been expecting to hear from her. Surely he had to be next. But he had heard nothing. He felt like he had done when she had first died; he floated around during the day, his brain foggy and thick, unable to concentrate on anything. His biotics were becoming more erratic. He was lost without Shepard.

 

He had visited Mae before shipping out to Horizon. She had come to the door in a floral robe, her hair hanging loose down her back. She looked positively angelic.

 

“Kaidan?” She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.

 

“I'm sorry to wake you, Mae. I'm leaving the Citadel today. I thought I would come and say goodbye.” Kaidan had known as he said the words that it was the final goodbye. Mae deserved to be with someone who could care for her properly, not someone who was hung-up on his apparently resurrected girlfriend.

 

“Oh?” She had clearly understood his meaning, too. He saw the questions in her eyes.

 

“She's alive,” he had said quietly.

 

“ _Oh._ ”

 

Kaidan didn't regret his decision. He rubbed his stubbly chin distractedly. He needed to have a shower. The Alliance weren't involved with the colony normally, so there was nowhere for him to stay. Anderson had thought it would be a good idea for him to stay with some sympathetic residents, so that he could try to build a positive relationship with the colonists. Kaidan also suspected that Anderson was worried about allowing him to spend too much time alone.

 

So he was staying with the Traynors, an older couple whose daughter was a comm specialist in the Alliance. They were some of the few people on this whole planet who seemed to like him. He felt like everything he did annoyed somebody. It wasn't a great feeling, but with everything else that was swimming around his head, he could hardly bring himself to care.

 

He sat up and reached for his trousers and t-shirt. The Traynors spare room was small and bare. He didn't have his own bathroom here and was sharing with them. He didn't mind the situation to be honest- they were really pleasant people.

 

He decided to go make a cup of coffee before getting his armour on and doing his daily patrol of the area. So far, there had been no sign whatsoever of the Collectors. It did seem like a potential target for them, though; like the other places that had been hit, this was a quiet, poorly defended human colony.

 

It was early and the house was quiet. He could hear the Traynors snoring as he walked past their closed bedroom door. He padded downstairs and into the kitchen.

 

A woman had his back to him and was going through the cupboard, muttering to herself. Kaidan couldn't believe the house was being robbed. He just seemed to attract trouble.

 

“Hey!” he called, folding his arms. She looked slender and weak. He doubted he would have to use his biotics but he tensed himself just in case.

 

She stopped and turned around, clearly startled. “Who are you?” she demanded, narrowing dark eyes at him.

 

“I'm Commander Kaidan Alenko.”

 

“The war hero? Why are you in my parents' house?”

 

“Oh. _Oh._ ” He shook his head. “I'm sorry. I just woke up.” He stepped forward and offered her his hand. “Let's start again, shall we? I'm Kaidan.”

 

“Commander Alenko, you mean?” Her eyes glittered. She had a plummy, full, beautifully-regulated accent. “I'm Specialist Traynor. Samantha.” She shook his hand and he noticed her fingers were trembling slightly.

 

“Are you alright, Traynor? Your hand is shaking.”

 

She offered him a slightly crooked smile. “I'm fine. I was just worried you were going to charge at me. You have a very... murderous expression.” Turning away from him, she continued rummaging through the cupboard. She was a very pretty young woman. Her dark hair was twisted into a relaxed knot at the nape of her neck. She was wearing an oversized grey hoodie.

 

“Did you just arrive this morning?” he asked.

 

“Yes.” She cleared her throat. “You'll have to forgive me, Commander. I'm famously poor at social interaction. I'm not good at small talk. Do you want a cup of coffee?”

 

He chuckled at her. “I'd love one.” Sitting at the table, he folded his hands on his lap, watching her make the coffee. “You on shore leave?”

 

“Yep. Using the time off to visit the parents because I'm permanently single and have nowhere else to go.” She threw him a self-deprecating smile and handed him a cup, sitting down beside him and cradling her own in small hands. “How about you? Not here for shore leave, I imagine?”

 

“No. I'm here as part of an Alliance outreach program.”

 

“I didn't realise we had one.” Kaidan didn't know if she was referring to the colony or the Alliance. He got the impression that she was a seriously intelligent woman.

 

“I'm responsible for trying to fix the GARDIAN turrets.”

 

“Do those things still not work?” Traynor sipped her drink thoughtfully. “I bet the people aren't taking your presence particularly well. The Alliance isn't well-liked out here.”

 

Kaidan opened his mouth to reply to her when there was a frenzied rapping at the back door. Traynor stood up, looking confused, and went to open it. Lilith stood there. Kaidan had been working with her quite a lot recently. She looked exhausted and panicky. He stood up automatically at the sight of the expression on her face. It wasn't going to be good.

 

“Sam?” Lilith was momentarily sidetracked by the sight of the Traynors' daughter. She reached out and hugged the young woman.

 

“Lilith! How nice to see you. What's wrong?”

 

Lilith looked to Kaidan, biting her lip. “The communications are down.”

 

Kaidan felt his heart rate start to climb. This was how the Collectors always began an attack. It was happening. “All communications?”

 

“I'm afraid so.” Lilith raked a hand back through her hair. “Can you help us fix them?”

 

“We need to fix the guns first,” Kaidan said. Traynor looked at him, raising her eyebrows at the intensity of his tone.

 

“The communications are our priority, Commander,” Lilith replied gently. “I'm sorry.”

 

“I can help fix the communications,” Traynor offered.

 

Kaidan shook his head slightly at her, so slightly that he didn't think Lilith noticed. Traynor's eyes narrowed but she said nothing. “Lilith, can you start heading over there? I need to get my things. I'll meet you there.”  
  


Lilith nodded, apparently satisfied, and headed off. The door closed behind her.

 

“What's going on, Commander?” Traynor asked.

 

“It's the Collectors.” He heard her gasp. “You're Alliance trained. I need you to round up as many people as you can and get them to safety- a bunker or something similar.”

 

“Yes, Sir.” She swallowed, clearly terrified.

 

He hesitated, then patted her on the arm. “Traynor, you'll be fine. I know you will.”

 

*

 

It was hell. Would it ever wear off? Kaidan could see and hear, but he couldn't move at all. He could hear the screams of the colonists, see the Collectors dragging their victims away.

 

They were truly vile creatures. Watching them, Kaidan noticed that they seemed to be utterly devoid of emotion. It was as though they weren't even really alive.

 

What would happen when they took him? The Alliance had no idea why the Collectors were abducting colonists. Death had never been a particular fear of Kaidan's, even less so since Shepard had died. He knew he didn't want to die without never seeing her again though. Her return had complicated so much.

 

The Collectors all left suddenly, heading towards the heart of the colony. Kaidan couldn't move his head to see who else was left around him but he had a feeling he was the only human left in this area. Lilith had been dragged past him earlier. He should have been able to help her. He felt the same rage he always felt when he couldn't save them all, the same disappointment in himself.

 

The Collectors seemed to be in no hurry to return. Time dragged impossibly slowly for Kaidan. He found himself drifting out of consciousness, starting to dream of Shepard again.

 

_They were sitting on a bench in the Presidium. The wreckage of Sovereign was burning. Kaidan could see himself, battered and bruised from the fight, being pulled away. He was looking back towards the wreckage, looking for Shepard._

 

_The Shepard on the bench beside him took his hand as they watched. “Remember this?” she asked._

 

“ _How could I forget?” Kaidan sighed, turning to look at her. She looked tired._

 

“ _Oh, look, here I am.” Shepard squeezed his fingers as the Shepard he really remembered, not his imagined partner watching the scene, clambered out of the smoking wreckage. He watched the expression of indescribable relief and love on his on face._

 

“ _I've been reliving this moment for two years,” Kaidan said. “You're not dead any more, do you know that?”_

 

“ _I was never dead. I've been in here the whole time.” She touched his chest._

 

“ _You're a lot more loving in my imagination.” He closed his eyes. “Why are you working with Cerberus?”_

 

“ _I don't know.” She squeezed his fingers. “The feeling's coming back into your legs.”_

 

Kaidan collapsed painfully to the ground. His whole body was stinging; his legs were weak.

 

“Commander?” Traynor's voice was coming from his omni-tool.

 

“Traynor. Are comms back up? What's the situation with the Collectors?” His voice came out breathless and rough. He tried, unsuccessfully, to stand up.

 

“They're back up. The Collectors are still here. They're located at one location. I'm sending you the nav point.” She paused. “There's something else. Sending you security footage from the location.”

 

Sat alone in the mud, Kaidan stared at the image on his omni-tool. A woman was shooting Collectors. The image was blurry, but it was _Shepard_. She was here.

 

“I'm heading to that location.” Kaidan pushed himself up and forced himself to run. “Traynor, give me an update on the colonists.”

 

There was an awkward pause. His body stung as he forced it on. Traynor finally replied in a subdued voice. “A significant number have been taken.”

 

He didn't reply, merely continued sprinting through the colony. Sweat was beginning to pool on his brow. He had to get to Shepard. She was in danger and she needed him. In the long few minutes that it took him to get to her, that was all he could think of. Not the Cerberus thing, or the death thing. Shepard, who he loved, was fighting Collectors without him.

 

The defence towers came online with a chorus of noise that was overwhelming. He glanced up as he ran. The Collector ship was leaving! But there were so many colonists aboard. He had failed. With a frustrated growl, he ran on, determined to get to Shepard.

 

It was still and very silent when he arrived. For a moment, he stood still, heart racing. He was too late. She was dead again. He grabbed onto a crate for support, for a moment reliving those hours waiting for news after the Normandy was destroyed.

 

“Do something!” A man's voice, one that he didn't know, shattered the silence. Quietly, Kaidan inched closer, staying behind cover.

 

“I didn't want it to end this way.” _Shepard._ “I did what I could.” He felt a lurch in his stomach as he heard her voice. Even though he had seen enough images to believe that she really was back, hearing her talking confirmed it for him.

 

“If it wasn't for Shepard, you'd all be on board that ship.” Those were the slightly annoyed, flanging tones of Garrus Vakarian.

 

“Shepard? Wait.” The unknown male voice sounded just as annoyed as Garrus. Kaidan realised it was Delan, the bad-tempered mechanic. “I know that name. Sure, I remember you. You're some kind of big Alliance hero.”

 

Kaidan didn't know why he was compelled to reveal himself at that moment. He found himself walking out into the open. “Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, saviour of the Citadel.” He was looking at her in person for the first time in two years. Those wide green eyes looked back at him, full of emotions. Surprise, he noted, wasn't among them. Cerberus must have tipped her off that he would be here.

 

She didn't look different. The scars were different, something which made him do a slight double take. The armour was different. But she was the same. She had a smear of blood on her cheek. Her beautiful hair was scraped back, some strands falling loose around her face. It was Shepard.

 

“You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost.”

 

“All the good people we lost, and you get left behind,” Delan said. “Figures.” He looked back at Shepard. “Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types.” He strode away angrily.

 

Kaidan looked back at Shepard. He saw her swallow. She was framed by Garrus, who was still clutching his rifle and giving Kaidan a hard look he couldn't read, and the woman he recognised as Miranda Lawson. Lawson was truly breathtaking to behold, but the only thing he really took in was the Cerberus logo on her chest.

 

He ignored both of them and walked towards Shepard. He saw her move towards him. Suddenly, he was stood before her, looking down into face. Two years vanished for a moment, and he forgot she had ever been gone. _I love you_. He could taste the words in his mouth.

 

She blinked at him. A small smile softened her face. It was the smile he had loved seeing in the mornings.

 

He swept her into his arms. Two years since he had held this woman. He clung to her armour, and felt her doing the same. She was the only woman for him. He had been stupid to ever think otherwise. Her face pressed into his shoulder and he caught the scent of her hair.

 

His eyes filled up with tears. He loved her and she wasn't dead. She was here, nestled in his arms. Still brave and beautiful.

 

“I thought you were dead, Shepard.” The words came out in a thick, muddled rush. “We all did.”

 

She drew back, and she smiled, but he could see it was forced. “It's been too long, Kaidan,” she said, with false brightness. “How have you been?”

 

Irritation prickled at him. “Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened.” She had never been as giving with her emotions as he had. It had always annoyed him. He rubbed his forehead agitatedly. “I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart.” There he went again, spilling his feelings to her. His anger was mounting, now at himself as much as at her.

 

Something closed in her face. He saw clouds gather in her eyes.

 

“How could you put me through that?” He was almost shouting now. “Why didn't you contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?”

 

She hesitated. “I'm sorry, Kaidan. I _was_ clinically dead. Took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed. You've moved on.” He saw Mae's face flash before him for a second and felt overwhelming guilt. He hated Shepard's calm, reasonable tone. It was like she was dealing with him. Like she had expected him to be this way. Somehow, that annoyed him even more. She sighed. “I didn't want to reopen old wounds.”

 

“I did move on. At least, I thought I did. But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus.” His eyes flashed over to Lawson again.

 

Lawson met his glare with a steely one of her own. “Reports? So much for security.”

 

Kaidan looked back to Shepard, his chest burning with anger. “Alliance intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson told me that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy.”

 

She folded her arms, a typically Shepard gesture that showed she was getting just as angry as he was. They had never fought before, he realised. “Our colonies are disappearing. The Alliance turned its back on them. Cerberus is the only group willing to do something about it.”

 

He took a step towards her. “You can't really believe that. We both know what Cerberus is like, what they're capable of. I wanted to believe the rumours you were alive, but I never expected _anything_ like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in.” He took a deep breath. “You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me.”

 

Her face was unguarded for a moment, and he saw the hurt in her eyes. “Kaidan. You know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself- the Collectors are targeting human colonies. And they're working with the Reapers.” She took a step towards him, mimicking his earlier action. She was looking at him beseechingly. She wanted him to believe her. He wanted to believe her.

 

“I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?”

 

Lawson scoffed, folding her arms. “Typical Alliance attitude. You're so focused on Cerberus that you're blind to the real threat.”

 

Shepard glanced at Lawson, then back to Kaidan. Her calm, dealing-with-Kaidan voice was back. “You're letting the way you feel about their history get in the way of the facts.” She was siding with Cerberus. He couldn't believe it.

 

“Maybe.” He knew his voice was laced with venom. “Or maybe you're working with Cerberus because you feel like you owe them because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight. You've changed.” She inhaled as though he had struck her. “But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always have been. Always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not.”

 

He forced himself to turn away from her.

 

“Kaidan, wait.” Her voice was thick with emotion. He couldn't resist looking back at her. She looked broken, eyes brimming with tears.

 

“It's too late, Shepard.”

 

“Let him go.” Garrus spoke up for the first time, glaring at Kaidan and placing a hand on her shoulder. It was a gesture Kaidan had never seen him make before. Bile rose in his throat.

 

Shepard shrugged Garrus' hand off and stepped forward, capturing Kaidan's hand in her own. For a moment he stood still, marvelling at how small her fingers were the same way he always did. “I could use somebody like you on my crew, Kaidan.” Her voice was quiet. “It'll be just like old times.”

 

Just like old times. He had laughed with this woman. Covered her in a fight. Shared a bed with her. _Every morning. I love you, Shepard._ “No, it won't.” He blinked back tears, forcing himself to do the right thing. “I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful.”

 

He pulled his hand from hers and walked away, refusing to look back. Hot tears prickled his eyes. He hadn't handled that very well.

 

How many men got a second chance when their girlfriend died? Only one that he knew of.

 

Was he doing the right thing? He wanted to rush back to her and kiss those lips, the ones which had said begged him to come back. He wanted to apologise and follow her to end of the universe.

 

Duty first. Always.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker knows how to cheer Shepard up.

Joker was waiting at the airlock when they arrived. Miranda seemed to sense that her presence was not required and swept away without a word. Garrus and Shepard had been standing very close together, and her face was pressed into his chest. As soon as Miranda was safely out of the way, her bottom lip began to tremble.

 

Joker couldn't think of anything to say. Shepard had trusted that Kaidan would always be there for her. They had all expected him to be unhappy about Cerberus. But he had been downright cruel to her. Joker had watched on the monitors, watching the feed from Garrus' suit with a tight knot in his stomach. The moment when he had walked away and Shepard had turned back to Garrus, looking absolutely lost, would haunt him forever.

 

At a loss, he opened his arms for the first time in a long time. Shepard threw herself into his embrace without encouragement. Her armour was hard and uncomfortable against his body. She buried her face into his shoulder and he felt her shoulders shake as she cried.

 

He met Garrus' gaze over her head and saw that he was feeling just as helpless as Joker.

 

Eventually, she drew away. Her cheeks were wet and flushed with embarrassment. “I'm so sorry. That wasn't very Commander-ly of me.”

 

“You don't have to be the Commander with us,” Garrus said softly.

 

She looked back at him gratefully. “I need to go talk to the Illusive Man and have a shower.” She touched Joker on the arm before heading off.

 

Joker looked at Garrus. “So. That could have gone better.”

 

“No kidding.” Garrus shook his head. “I really wanted to shoot him.”

 

“I still really want to shoot him.”

 

*

 

Later, sat in the pilot's chair, Joker was getting more and more wound up and annoyed as he thought of Kaidan. He found himself clenching and unclenching his fists as he remembered Shepard throwing herself into his arms and sobbing.

 

“Jeff, you seem to be very agitated.” EDI's blue orb appeared beside him.

 

“It's Kaidan Alenko.” He clenched his teeth. “I'm not confiding my feelings to the ship, EDI, sorry. Even I'm not that much of a fan of the Normandy.”

 

There was a pause. “Is there anything I can do, Jeff?”

 

“Can you get establish a comm link to Kaidan Alenko?” The words were out of his mouth before he realised that he was going to say them.

 

Another, longer, pause. Then EDI said, “Connection established.”  
  


The blue orb was replaced by Kaidan's face, looking wary. “Who's there? Joker, is that you?”

 

A rush of emotion, angry and hurt, threatened to burst out of Joker, and he focused hard to keep calm. “It's Joker. I felt like I had to talk to you after today.”

 

“There's nothing else to say.”

 

Joker hated his pompous, self-assured voice. He ground his teeth furiously. “Nobody else is going to tell you this, Kaidan, but you're a complete asshole.”

 

“Don't pretend you're with her because you agree with what's she doing,” Kaidan said, in an annoyingly calm voice. “You're with her because you feel guilty.”

 

Joker hesitated, momentarily at a loss. The guilt he had felt after Shepard had died had been overwhelming. But that wasn't why he was here now. “I do feel guilty about what happened. I can't lie about that. But I'm here because Shepard is my friend and she needs me.”

 

“She doesn't need anyone, and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.”

 

Joker clenched his fists again. “No offence, Kaidan, but you didn't see the state of her after she came aboard after we left you. I always used to think you were this great guy, but you're such an arrogant, pompous asshole it's unreal. She loves you. It's been two years for you, but for her it's been a few weeks since she last saw you.”

 

“I understand that, but the situation has changed. My Shepard wouldn't have worked with terrorists.”

 

“Your Shepard? You arrogant-”

 

“Joker, really. This conversation is pointless.” Kaidan looked so unruffled, so unaffected.

 

Joker imagined Shepard crying in the shower and let out a guttural growl. “I swear, Alenko, if you ever hurt her like that again, I'm gonna-”

 

“What? Are you _threatening_ me, Joker?”

 

Kaidan's voice was amused. _Amused_ . Joker felt, for a moment, blinding, helpless rage. He was a useless cripple. Nobody would ever take his threats seriously, especially not a biotic war hero. Just as he was about to lose control completely, he felt his seat sink slightly as someone leaned an arm on the back of it, leaning down so that his face was visible to Kaidan too.

 

“Joker's not threatening you, Kaidan.” Garrus' tone was cool and deadly. “We're all threatening you. Joker, Kasumi Goto, the master thief, Zaeed Massani, the veteran merc, Subject Zero, the biotic badass, Mordin Solus, the brillian salarian professor, Jacob Taylor and Miranda Lawson, the elite Cerberus operatives and even Grunt, Shepard's pet baby krogan.” Garrus let out a dry chuckle. “Oh, and myself, of course, old friend.”

 

Kaidan had visibly paled. “I- what?”

 

“Shepard is our friend. She matters to us. If you ever hurt her again, you'll know about it. We're going to destroy the Collectors and then we'll swing by and see you afterwards if we have to.”

 

Kaidan didn't reply, merely looked horrified.

 

“EDI, lose this channel,” Joker said, barely able to contain his laughter. Kaidan's face vanished. Joker spun to face Garrus, grinning. “Thanks, Garrus.”

 

Garrus gave a small mock-bow. “Any time, Joker. I was already annoyed at him. When I heard him laughing at you... Not that I think you needed saving, of course.”

 

“High five, Garrus.” Joker offered Garrus his palm. When the turian looked confused, Joker carefully took his hand with his other one and bumped it against his raised palm.

 

“We make a good team,” Garrus said.

 

“You sure told him.”

 

EDI flickered into life. “You neglected to mention me, Garrus. If Commander Alenko hurts Shepard again, I will be proud to go against him with you.”

 

Garrus and Joker looked at each other and burst out laughing. Joker touched the console near the orb with fondness for the first time. “Thanks, EDI.”

 

Shepard came onto the bridge then. She strode straight up to the cockpit, wearing sweats and a t-shirt. Her hair was still damp from her shower. She was clutching a six-pack of beer.

 

“What are you all laughing at?” she asked with a shaky smile.

 

“Just EDI,” Garrus said.

 

Joker eyed up the beer. “Shepard, I don't think you've ever looked more beautiful than you do right now.”

 

“Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr Moreau,” she replied, offering him a bottle. He took it gratefully, twisting it open and taking a long drink. She offered Garrus a bottle. “I don't know if you like human beer, Garrus, but you're welcome to have some.”

 

Garrus took it, opening it awkwardly. The image made Joker burst out laughing again. He already felt drunk, intoxicated, high. It took him a moment to realise that it was because he felt that he belonged. Shepard had cuddled into him when she was upset. Garrus had come to his assistance when he had needed it. A warm glow filled him.

 

“What are we celebrating?” he asked. “Is it turian Christmas? Asari Christmas?”

 

Shepard flopped down in the other chair. “Does any species have a day where we celebrate ex-boyfriends being assholes?”

 

“The krogan probably do,” Garrus said drily.

 

Shepard took a long drink. “I knew Kaidan would be angry with me. I just didn't expect him to be so cruel. I expected better of him.”

 

“He just loves authority. He loves doing the right thing.” Joker drained his bottle quickly. “EDI, you're probably going to have to take over the piloting aspect of my job right now.”

 

“How drunk are you planning on getting?” Shepard asked, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

 

“Very. Come on, you two.” Joker stood up with difficulty. An idea had occurred to him, irresistible in its simplicity and brilliance.

 

“Where are we going? What are we doing?” Garrus asked, steadying Joker gently.

 

“We're going to get loaded, and we're going to have a good time. We're going to have a party.”

 

Garrus glanced to Shepard for permission, but she was already grinning.

 

“EDI, I want to send a message to the whole crew.” Shepard cleared her throat, and when she spoke again, her voice echoed around the whole Normandy. “Normandy, this is Shepard. We need your help with a critical mission. Bring any alcohol you can find on this godforsaken ship and head to the communications room. Shepard out.”

 

Joker threw his arm around her shoulder. “I love you, Shepard.”

 

She laughed. The three of them staggered to the communications room, Garrus carrying the remaining beer. It was good to see Shepard looking happier.

 

They arrived in to see Mordin waiting for them, clutching a bottle of ominously bright purple liquid. He smiled as he saw them.

 

“Shepard, agree that this is a very critical mission of the utmost importance,” he said.

 

“EDI, get us some music in here,” Joker said.

 

Old Earth rock music blared out suddenly. Joker offered the nearest camera a thumbs-up. The door opened smoothly to reveal Kasumi, Kelly Chambers, Daniels and Donnelly. They were all holding bottles.

 

“This is fantastic,” Kasumi said.

 

Joker sat down and Garrus passed him another bottle. Chambers had tugged Shepard and Daniels up onto the table and they were dancing. Shepard's dance moves were still bizarrely terrible. He found himself laughing at her. She met his gaze and stuck her tongue out at him.

 

“How did you know this would cheer Shep up?” Kasumi asked, her voice close to his ear, and he jumped.

 

“Shit, Kasumi, stop doing that!” Joker gave her a firm look. “Anyway, I knew it would work because, very deep down, Shepard's just as human as the rest of us.”  
  


“Very poetic, Joker,” Kasumi laughed.

 

Jacob arrived then, and Joker saw that his eyes looked for Kasumi straight away. He shoved her gently in the shoulder. “Mr Taylor's looking for you.”

 

“Of course he is.” She cloaked then, vanishing, and Joker rolled his eyes at Jacob.

 

Garrus was doing shots with Mordin, barking out laughter loudly. Donnelly had tugged Daniels away from Shepard and Chambers and they were giggling. Joker felt the warm feeling in him expanding. If he kept going like this, he was going to have lost his trademark cynicism by the end of the evening.

 

Miranda arrived, eyes full of fire. She stood in the doorway, folding her arms and glaring around. “What the hell is going on here?”

 

“Operative Lawson!” Garrus, clearly intoxicated, walked over to her. “It's so nice to see you. Thank you for coming to the party. You look particularly radiant this evening.” And then, to general amazement, he grabbed her hand and tugged her close, dancing with her.

 

Miranda let out a reluctant laugh and allowed herself to be dipped and spun by Garrus. It was obvious that she wasn't used to social company, or to people wanting to be friendly with her. She looked awkward but pleased. Joker wondered if he wasn't the only person whose cynicism was quickly fading.

 

“Looks like being a failed turian vigilante is quite appealing to the ladies, after all,” Joker said to nobody in particular.

 

The final guests were Dr Chakwas, Grunt, Zaeed and Jack. Jack's eyes were alight with mischief as she approached Joker.

 

“This your idea, Joker?” she asked, sitting down beside him and offering him some glowing blue liquid.

 

He took it reluctantly and downed it, shuddering at the burning taste. “Of course. Jesus, Jack what was that?” His vision blurred.

 

Her amused brown eyes swam in and out of focus. “Shit, Joker, I'd heard you were good at holding your drink.”

 

Time passed in a strange mess after that. Shepard came and sat with him for a bit, talking about Kaidan, but he could hardly understand what she was saying. He settled for patting her on the head. That would cheer her up.

 

Kasumi and Jacob thrilled the assembled guests by kissing enthusiastically in the corner. Garrus was teaching Grunt how to dance.

 

EDI appeared near Joker's arm. “This gathering appears to be pleasing to the crew,” she observed.

 

“Indeed, EDI. Indeed.” He reached out to pat her on the head, too, but his fingers passed through her holographic orb. This made him feel very sad.

 

“What is wrong, Jeff?” she asked.

 

“Not real. You're not real. It's so unfair. I quite like you, sometimes.” He closed his eyes.

 

“The feeling is mutual, Jeff.”

 

He laughed uncontrollably at that, vaguely aware that he was in danger of snapping a rib if he continued like this.

 

He opened his eyes later, to find that Shepard was asleep, her head tucked under his chin. She was snoring. He blinked, confused. The party had settled down. Jack, Zaeed, Grunt were sitting on the table, drinking a suspiciously bright liquid. Mordin was watching them, fascinated. Kasumi and Jacob had vanished. Garrus was asleep in the corner, surrounded by bottles. Donnelly and Daniels were talking quietly nearby with Dr Chakwas. Miranda was sitting near Joker, drinking a cup of coffee and looking annoyingly perky, talking to Chambers.

 

“Hey, Shepard,” he murmured, giving her a gentle nudge. “Wake up, Commander.”

 

She muttered something and snuggled in closer.

 

“Shepard, come on,” he complained, trying to wake her. “I'm fragile and this is really uncomfortable.” His head was really very tender.

 

“Kaidan,” she said quietly.

 

He frowned, his heart aching at the thought of how she must feel. He stroked her silky hair absent-mindedly. “Shepard, you need to go to bed. Kaidan's not here.”

 

Grunt staggered over. “Is Shepard ok?” he demanded.

 

“She needs to go to bed, Grunt. I just can't move her.” Joker looked up at him with some trepidation. Shepard insisted that the krogan was fine, but he was so huge.

 

“I will take her,” Grunt said, lifting Shepard and slinging her over his shoulder. She didn't stir.

 

“Careful! She's the commander, not a sack of potatoes, Grunt!”

 

“Pototoes?” Grunt looked confused, then shrugged. “I will take her to her quarters.”

 

“I will come with you,” Chakwas said to him. “Just to make sure she's ok.” She winked at Joker.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus and Shepard visit the Citadel.

Shepard awoke alone, with a pounding headache. What had happened? Groggily, she remembered the party. Gripping the pillow for support, she sat up slowly, the pain behind her eyes blinding her for a second.

 

There was a bottle of water by her bed. She wondered who had put it there. It was cold and refreshing as she gulped it down.

 

She thought back to Kaidan's face, so filled with anger and disappointment. She had expected it, but somehow that made it worse. The time they had spent together, so happy and so in love, seemed a very long time ago. She supposed it was, to him.

 

They were heading to the Citadel. They had already been once, to quietly collect Kasumi, but this was the first time that it was out in the open. Nobody could see the point in hiding the fact that she was alive now they knew the Alliance already knew.

 

After seeing Kaidan, Shepard didn't know if she was ready to face Anderson. He had requested to see her. But Shepard wasn't prepared for another person she loved to turn on her, to reject her.

 

She messaged Joker. “How long until we get to the Citadel, Joker?” she asked, and her voice was rough.

 

“ETA thirty minutes. Hey, Commander, I'm surprised you're up. Hell of a party last night.” Joker left an awkward pause. “Zaeed's been telling me all about the beautiful night you spent together. I'm happy for you, Shepard.”  
  


“Oh, shut up.”

 

She heard him cackling to himself as she got up and went to the shower. Her whole body ached. The hot water rained down on her skin, soothing her. She looked down at the herself. She was becoming more used to seeing this body. It was slowly starting to feel like her own again.

 

Shepard was fully expecting to cry, but, although it hurt when she thought of her conversation with Kaidan, no tears came. He had made his decision. She didn't like it; she loved him and wanted him with her. But she couldn't waste any further time dwelling on it. She had things to do. He had put duty first and now she needed to.

 

She slipped into her sweats and t-shirt before padding her way down down to the CIC. Kelly had distinct bags beneath her eyes as she greeted Shepard with a cup of coffee.

 

“Joker said you might need that,” she said, with a smile that was a lot more pained than usual.

 

“Thanks, Kelly.” Shepard wandered up to the bridge and sat down gingerly, ignoring Joker's snort of laughter at the sight of her.

 

“After last night, I can't decide what they're more likely to court martial us for- working for Cerberus or allowing your dance moves to carry on.”

 

She sipped her coffee. “Have I told you recently that I hate you?”

 

*

 

Captain Bailey walked Shepard and Garrus to Anderson's office. He was an impatient, blunt man who Shepard warmed to immediately. As they walked, Shepard looked around, greedily taking it all in. It had changed so much since the last time they were here.

 

She noticed that they were getting quite a lot of confused glances, and some open-mouthed stares, from the people they passed. _These people all know my story. Some of them attended the memorial after my death._ It was overwhelming. Shepard had never wanted to be famous.

 

“I can shoot the next person who stares at you, if you like,” Bailey offered.

 

“Don't worry about it. It's me, I'm extremely famous,” Garrus said.

 

Bailey left them with a wry smile outside the office door. Shepard took a deep breath and looked at Garrus. She was nervous. What if Anderson rejected her? This could even be a trick to arrest the whole lot of them. She trusted Anderson- or she had before she had died. Garrus nodded reassuringly and she smiled shakily back at him before they entered.

 

Anderson rushed to her and clasped her hand in his own. His familiar face studied hers intently. For a moment, she was an awkward recruit being scrutinised by a commanding officer.

 

“Shepard! Welcome back to the ranks of the living.” The feeling passed as he smiled warmly at her.

 

“It's been a long time, Captain.”

  
“It's Admiral. Well, it was; it's Councillor. I'm dealing with a lot of things from both parts of my life at the moment.” He looked over at Garrus. “Garrus! Nice to see you, too.”

 

Garrus didn't reply, merely inclined his head. Shepard looked back at Anderson. “How have you been?”

 

Anderson let go of her hand and moved away. “This isn't how I planned to spend my twilight years. I'm not much of a politician.”

 

“That's why I recommended you,” Shepard said, looking at the back of his head. “I trust you. Udina is power-hungry.”

 

“He words for me now.” Anderson gave a dry chuckle. “You can imagine how much he enjoys it.”

 

She smiled. “I can indeed.”

 

“He thinks I need to work on my 'people skills'.” Anderson looked back at her, eyes twinkling for a moment.

 

“Those are overrated,” Garrus offered.

 

There was a strange pause. Shepard felt uncomfortable. She crossed over to the side of the room and looked out over the Presidium to avoid having to look at Anderson's face. “I'm still not clear on why you wanted me to come.”

 

“There's been a lot of talk since you came back. Some of what I hear has been, frankly, a little disturbing. I wanted to give you a chance to explain your actions. Maybe get the Council to see things from your point of view. But they refused to see you.”

 

“Shepard saved them!” Garrus snapped. “The asari councillor stood at Shepard's memorial and explained how _indebted_ they were to her. That clearly didn't last.”

 

“Shepard is working with Cerberus. They don't want to be seen associating themselves with her. I'm sorry.” Anderson rested a hand on Shepard's shoulder briefly.

 

“We're hunting the Collectors. They're working with the Reapers! What's the Alliance doing? What's the Council doing?” Shepard felt exasperated. She was getting a dull ache behind her eyes. The remnants of her hangover were putting her in a bad mood.

 

“The Council doesn't want to believe the truth about the Reapers.” It was Garrus who had spoken.

 

“That's true.” Anderson rubbed his face agitatedly and Shepard wondered how much pressure he was under. “I'm doing what I can, about the Collectors _and_ the Reapers.”

 

“If we don't work together, we're going to die. All of us. Everyone.” Shepard stared at Anderson. “You know that, right?”

 

“Of course I do, Shepard. I'm trying here.” He smiled sadly. “I've always believed in you.”

 

“Even now?”

 

“Even now. Especially now. We can reinstate your Spectre status. That's why I asked you here.”

 

Shepard looked away. “Thank you, Sir,” she said quietly. She thought back to the day she'd been made a Spectre. It seemed so long ago, like another life. In a way, it was.

 

“ _Wow. The first human Spectre.” Kaidan had smiled when she had approached him later in the bar before they shipped out. “Congratulations. How do you feel?”_

 

_They hadn't known each other long then. Shepard was still getting used to those serious brown eyes watching her as she spoke. Up close, they had flecks of green in their depths. She tried not to get lost in them._

 

“ _I feel confused.” She shrugged. “I'm not that just that orphan brat from Earth any more, am I?”_

 

_She was surprised when he reached across and touched her hand for a moment. His fingers were warm. “Commander, you never were 'just' an orphan brat from Earth. Not ever.”_

 

_They looked at each other. Her heart was thundering in her chest. He looked uncertain, as if he might have gone too far._

 

“I assume you've heard from Kaidan Alenko,” Shepard said, looking at Anderson. Guilt twisted his face for a moment and she drew back. “You sent him to find me.”

 

“Yes. I'm not sorry, Shepard. I had hoped he would find evidence that you weren't working with Cerberus, but that wasn't the case.”

 

She sighed. “It didn't go well.”

 

“I received a message from him last night explaining that.” Anderson looked away. “He's hurting, Shepard.”

 

“With all due respect, he wants to try being dead for two years then coming back.”

 

*

 

Garrus was silent as they travelled to his apartment, leaving her to stew in her own thoughts. As she had left Anderson, she had asked him to look after Kaidan. She wondered about that request now, wondered who had looked after him since her death.

 

The meeting with Anderson had gone better than she had hoped. He wasn't angry with her. He was concerned and worried, but he had more or less given her his blessing to keep doing what she was doing. Anderson's opinion had always mattered to her. He had always believed in her and encouraged her.

 

She wasn't sure why Garrus had wanted to return to his apartment. He had requested it quietly, with some strong emotion lingering in his eyes. Truly, there were few things Garrus could request of her which she would refuse. He had done so much for her. She suspected he still had a little hero worship for her, but as far as she was concerned she should be the one who was in awe of him. He was an incredible soldier, a selfless person and a true friend.

 

The door opened to reveal a very plain, very dusty room. “This is where you live?” She sounded surprised, because this wasn't what she had expected.

 

“I live on the Normandy, Shepard,” Garrus said. “This is where I _lived_.”

 

“It's...” She struggled to find a word. Garrus gave her a wry look and she laughed. “Sorry. It's cute. Real bachelor pad.”

 

“Come in. Would you like something to drink? Or eat?” The offer was made awkwardly, as if Garrus knew that it was something that was expected of him but didn't feel quite comfortable saying it. Shepard had noticed that Garrus was like this with a lot of normal conversation. He didn't do 'small talk' particularly well.

 

She strode in and flopped on the couch to make him feel more at ease. A cloud of dust puffed up around her and she coughed. “How long ago did you move out?”

 

He hovered by the door, staring at her. Something very serious had settled over his face. “I lived here for some time after you... you know. But I just couldn't keep working for C-Sec. I left for Omega about nine months ago.”

 

“Nine months of dust, Garrus,” Shepard teased, trying to keep her tone light. She trailed her finger through a thick patch to demonstrate. “You're going to have to get a maid- or a wife.”

 

His bark of laughter was reluctant. “I'm a horribly disfigured vigilante with a penchant for shooting bad guys and a habit of saying the wrong thing. Who in their right mind would ever marry me?”

 

“Um, anybody?” Shepard said, rolling her eyes. “You're a serious catch, Vakarian.”

 

Garrus shrugged in a weirdly human gesture that he had picked up somewhere. _Probably Joker_ , Shepard thought. His mandibles were drawn in. From what Shepard could discern, Garrus was very unhappy about something.

 

“Come sit down, Garrus,” she offered, patting the dusty spot beside her.

 

Garrus sat down awkwardly. He sat forward, elbows resting on his knees. Shepard studied his face. The scars were healing. He would never look the same again. He looked older. She realised that he _was_ older. He had seen a lot. She had always regarded him as young. Now, she wasn't so sure.

 

“Garrus, how old are you?”

 

He looked at her with some surprise. “What makes you ask?”

 

“I just realised I didn't know. Seems like a weird thing for friends not to know about each other.”

 

“How old do you consider yourself these days? Twenty nine, or thirty one?” He had flipped the question around and she knew it.

 

“I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm closer to a hundred.”

 

“Well, you don't look it. You don't have those... _line things_ that Anderson has.”

 

Shepard laughed. “Garrus, Anderson isn't a hundred years old.”

 

“I'm thirty two.” Garrus reached up to touch his face. “I suppose I look older.”

 

She sat forward and took his hand, holding it tenderly. “You look lovely, Mr Vakarian.”

 

He squeezed her fingers but didn't reply, lost in thought. She squeezed back then stood up and went quietly into the kitchen, leaving him to ponder. The kitchen had a similar look of disuse to the living quarters, and Shepard opened the fridge expecting very little. Amongst the unfamilar dextro food, she located a bottle of beer. The label was faded, and she wondered how long it had been in there. Who had left it? She tried to twist the lid off but it was firmly attached.

 

She began opening drawers, trying to locate a bottle opener. Garrus certainly had a lot of utensils. She was smiling to herself, amused by this discovery, when she opened the second drawer down, and noticed her own face smiling back at her.

 

Her smile faded; she placed the bottle down and lifted the photograph from the drawer. She recognised it, remembered it being taken. It had been a couple of days after Sovereign's attack. She was smiling into the camera, revealing the slightly twisted canine tooth she had a love/hate relationship with.

 

After this photo had been taken, she had returned to the room she was renting with Kaidan and they had made love in the shower, before cuddling up in bed.

 

“Shepard.” Garrus' voice startled her from her own musings and she turned around, clutching the photo.

 

“You startled me,” she said unnecessarily.

 

“Sorry.” He leaned against the door frame. “I see you've found that photograph.”

 

“Not that I'm weirded out or anything, but why do you have it?”

 

“They used a copy of it at your memorial service. I thought about it afterwards- it was how I wanted to remember you. Happy. Carefree.”

 

“I've never been carefree, Garrus.” She gave him a grin.

 

“I know. I just hoped that... wherever you were, you were carefree. Possibly with Ashley.”

 

Shepard shrugged, feeling uncomfortable talking about this. She couldn't remember anything about being dead- if there was anything to remember at all- and she didn't like to dwell on what it had been like.

 

“Why did you want to come here, Garrus?”

 

“I have some bad memories of this place. We had a party, of sorts, after your memorial.”

 

“Joker told me. He said you gave him food poisoning.”

 

Garrus folded his arms and for a moment said nothing. He closed his eyes. “That day was the worst I can remember. I'm not counting the day you died, because that's in a totally different league. Seeing all of us, standing around awkwardly, falling to pieces because you were gone- that was impossible.” He paused. “I needed to see you here. I needed to make you seem real again.”

 

She thought he was going to cry. Could turians cry? She walked to him and wrapped her arms around his narrow waist, burying her face on his chestplate. His arms closed around her and he squeezed her.

 

“I am real,” she whispered.

 

“You are.” He nuzzled her hair affectionately. “I don't know what I'd do without you, Shepard. I don't know what any of us would do.”

 

“You did it for two years.”

 

He chuckled. “Correction- I do know what I'd do without you. I just don't want to do it again.”

 

She smiled up at him. “You won't have to.”


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard meets Thane.

Illium was not his sort of place. Garrus glanced around disdainfully as he and Jacob followed Shepard. He could almost smell the corruption in this place.

 

“This your sort of planet, Garrus?” Jacob asked. The young human had been making an effort to get on with Garrus. Garrus found himself reluctantly warming to him.

 

“Not especially. Yours?”

 

“Nah. Bet it would be Kasumi's sort of place, though.”

 

“Kasumi, huh?” Shepard flashed Jacob a mischievous glance over her shoulder.

 

Jacob shrugged and looked uncomfortable. The thief had been spending a lot of time lingering in the armoury. Jacob had been very insistent that he wouldn't get involved with a thief, but Kasumi was no simple criminal. Garrus rather liked her.

 

They entered Liara's office and Garrus felt trepidation. It had been so long since he had seen her. After she had squeezed Shepard, she hugged him too. She still looked young and beautiful, but there was something dark in her eyes. Garrus suspected the same darkness was visible in his eyes, too. The last two years had been cruel.

 

*

 

It was a long day. Shepard, Jacob and Garrus recruited Samara without any real difficulty, although it was a lengthy fight. Samara intrigued Garrus. She was deadly and beautiful, but absolutely cold. She seemed to feel nothing.

 

Joker's eyes had been incredibly wide when he had seen Samara. Shepard had rolled her eyes at the pilot.

 

Garrus had tried to persuade Shepard to rest up and go after the assassin the following morning, but she was having none of it, and the three of them headed back out.

 

This had been a harder fight. By the time they reached the office, Garrus' arms were aching from holding his gun for so long. Jacob was clearly exhausted. He had overdone the biotics. Garrus suspected he was trying to impress Shepard.

 

Shepard had a bruise on her face from where she had fallen against something earlier in the day. It was just starting to bloom, a hint of vivid mauve on the pale skin. She took a deep breath, clutching her pistol tightly, before opening the door.

 

The asari the assassin was after was standing by the window almost calmly, flanked by her mercs. She turned as they entered. They had worked with her on a small job before. Garrus could hardly remember it now, but judging by the flash in Shepard's eyes, she could.

 

“Shepard! But- you're dead.” The asari blinked.

 

“I got better.” Shepard drawled the words sarcastically, a sure sign that she was annoyed.

 

“And now you're here to kill me?”

 

“You're really paranoid, aren't you?”

 

“Don't patronise me, Shepard.”  
  


“Charming as ever.” Shepard flashed a glance at Garrus, making sure he had his gun trained on the asari. He nodded.

 

The asari didn't look scared. “I'm sure you find this all very ironic. First you kill my sister, and now you're here for me. Well, you made it this far. Now what?”

 

Shepard shrugged. “You really think I'm here to kill you?”

 

“Do you have another reason for destroying my tower, decimating my security?”

 

“I'm just looking for someone.”

 

“You expect me to believe that? Is it credits? Is that what you want?” Nassana was giving the impression of being very irritated, but Garrus could see a flash of relief in her eyes. She thought that she was going to live. “Just tell me your price. We can make this problem go away.”

 

“All the credits in the world won't make this problem go away, Nassana.” Shepard folded her arms.

 

“Who the hell gave you the right to play god? I may not be perfect but look at you. We both kill people for money, what's the difference?”  
  


“You kill people because you think they're beneath you, they're in your way. I kill people because they leave me no choice.” The words were tinted with emotion that Garrus suspected nobody else heard.

 

“You don't have to do this-” One of the mercs began looking around. “What?”

 

“I heard something.”

 

Garrus had heard it too, a faint rattle above them.

 

“Damn it. Check the other entrances.” Nassana was now completely ignoring them. It was clear that she didn't regard them as a threat any more. Her arrogance irritated Garrus. “You- stay put.” She pointed her finger at them.

 

That was when he arrived. The drell dropped silently into the room, taking out the first merc with an effortless twist of the man's throat. Nassana was still speaking but Garrus was transfixed by the cold grace with which the drell killed. The next man he took out with a firm blow to the throat. Finally, the asari merc noticed him and turned just at the moment he shot her cleanly.

 

Nassana turned to him, and he caught her almost in an embrace. She glanced up at him and he shot her.

 

It was all over in less than thirty seconds.

 

Garrus aimed his gun at the drell, who seemed lost in thought. He looked at Shepard for guidance and the expression on her face shocked him. She was staring at the drell with wide eyes. He could see her heartbeat in her throat. It was racing.

 

He had seen Shepard scared numerous times, and she was not scared.

 

“That was quite the entrance.” Jacob spoke, breaking the spell.

 

Shepard took a step towards the drell. She never once went for her gun. “I was hoping to talk to you.”

 

“I apologise, but prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken.”

 

“Do you really think she deserves it?” Shepard's voice was gentle.

 

“Not for her. For me.” The drell looked up at Shepard then, his big black eyes gazing into her face. Garrus didn't know enough about drell to read the expression on his face. It was intense. He moved away from the dead body. “The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone. Take you, for instance. All this destruction, chaos. I was curious to see how far you'd go to find me. Well, here I am.” He moved so that he was standing before Shepard. The light behind him cast shadows across his face. Garrus shifted slightly so that he could still shoot him if necessary.

 

“I do want to talk to you, but how did you know I was here?”

 

“Gunfire, and explosions. I prefer to work quietly.” He was moving again, walking slowly. He had placed himself closer to Garrus and Jacob. Perhaps he was trying to show that he was not a threat. “If I have to fight through guards, I've made a mistake. I rarely make mistakes. You disrupted my plan, but your distraction proved valuable.”

 

“Let's cut to the chase.” Garrus could see Shepard's nose wrinkle. She wasn't happy about being used as a 'distraction'. “I need you for a mission.”

 

“Indeed.”

 

“You're familiar with the Collectors?”

 

“By reputation.”

 

“They're abducting entire human colonies. Freedom's Progress was their handiwork.”

 

“I see.” He was giving nothing away.

 

“We're going after them.”

 

He turned to face her. “Attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega-4 relay. No ship has ever returned from doing so.”

 

She was defiant. “My ship will be the first.”

 

“You'd like me to protect humans I've never met from aliens no-one knows anything about, by going to a place no-one's ever returned from?” It was impossible to tell, but Garrus wondered if Thane Krios was slightly amused.

 

“That's the gist of it.”

 

The drell looked out of the window. He seemed to be a pensive creature. “This was to be my last job. I'm dying.”

 

Shepard moved beside him. It was hard to see her face now, as she had her back to Garrus and Jacob, but she glanced at the drell and the face he saw in profile was not a happy one.

 

“Low survival odds don't concern me. The abduction of your colonists does.”

 

“I hadn't heard that. Is there anything I can do?”

 

“Giving me this opportunity is enough. The universe is a dark place. I'm trying to make it brighter before I die.” He turned to her. “Many innocents died today. I wasn't fast enough and they suffered. I must atone for that. I will work for you, Shepard. No charge.”

 

He offered her his hand. Garrus watched them shake hands and wondered if he was reading her correctly.

 

Because if he was, Shepard was definitely feeling lust towards this assassin.

 

*

 

Shepard wasn't sure what made her go down to life support after her shower. Well, that wasn't strictly true. She did know. She just didn't want to think about it.

 

Thane Krios didn't look up as she entered. He seemed to be lost in thought, and she wondered if he'd heard her at all. He was all lean, hard lines. She had never met a drell before.

 

“Thane?”

 

He rose when she spoke, staring at her with those huge eyes. Garrus had described them as 'creepy, black things' when he'd explained the drell to Joker. But they weren't just black. She could see green and amber in their depths.

 

“Commander,” he said. “Can I help you?”

 

She felt very silly all of a sudden. She thought back to the first Normandy; she had often drifted down to speak to Kaidan with the most ridiculous reasons, just because she had liked him. Her heart racing in her chest and the heat rushing to her face made it very clear that she liked this alien, too. It seemed impossible that she could have these feelings for another creature in the galaxy, let alone a drell assassin.

 

“I just thought I'd come and see how you were settling in.”

 

“Is this customary on human ships?”

 

“Is what customary?” Shepard didn't know if she should feel guilty or not. She couldn't cheat on a man she wasn't in a relationship with.

 

“The captain coming to check on the mere soldiers.”

 

“You are no mere soldier, Thane.” Standing across from him, she knew that was true. He was small, no taller than she was, but there was something deadly about him.

 

He inclined his head. “It is kind of you to say so.”

 

There was an awkward pause. Shepard felt a connection with this man. She had felt this way the first day she met Kaidan, too. Anderson had been showing her around the ship, introducing her. Kaidan had had his back to her. When he turned to face her, and that face had creased into the smallest smile, she had felt her face get hot and her mouth twist into a ridiculous grin.

 

And now Kaidan hated her.

 

“Are you quite well, Commander? You look strange. Do you need to sit down?”

 

His words reminded her of another horrible thing. “You said you were dying.”

 

It was hard to imagine. The way he had entered that room had been an example of breathtaking fitness.

 

“Yes. I have Kepral's Syndrome. It is common amongst my people. It is caused by long-term exposure to a humid climate.”

 

“Why do you expose yourself to a humid climate, then?”

 

“The hanar saved us from overpopulation and took us to Kahje, their homeworld.” He seemed utterly unafraid of his illness, of death.

 

“Isn't there anything we can do?” She was aware of her voice cracking slightly, of the longing obvious within it.

 

Perhaps he was too, because he stepped forward and rested his hand on her shoulder. It felt cool through her shirt. “It is being attended to. There is no cure.”

 

She reached up to touch his hand. It was smooth and dry. “I...” For some reason, she could feel her eyes filling up with tears. This was pathetic. She didn't know anything about this man, except that he was one of the most dangerous people she had ever met, which was saying something considering who her friends were.

 

“You are upset.” He cocked his head. “Do not grieve for me, Shepard.”

 

“I...” Why weren't the words coming out? She took a deep, hitching breath. “I'll do what I can for you. You have my word.”

 

His fingers squeezed her shoulder. He inclined his head gratefully before stepping back. “My thanks, Shepard.”

 

She left him then. As the door slid shut behind her, she rested her head against the cool wall, trying to steady her breathing. What was she doing? What was wrong with her?


End file.
